Three is a Crowd.

For those of you who know me, you know that I'm the mildly neurotic, roll with the punches type of parent. (Say what? Let me explain.) Essentially, I'm as cool as a cucumber until things get so chaotic and out of control that I can't stand it anymore and I start yelling things like "WHY am I the ONLY person who EVER puts ANYTHING back where it GOES?!!??!" while stomping around like a deranged elephant on crack. You know the type.  Most of my insanity is due to the fact that I have three children, two of which are under two. Yeah.  So, for those of you who wonder if having three kids is really that different from having two, may I present the Top 10 7 Reasons That Three is a Crowd.

#1) You're officially outnumbered.

People often joke with us "Man, are your hands full!" or "Wow, three? Now you're outnumbered!", but seriously, this is no joke. There is ALWAYS someone who needs something; usually while the two other small someones also need something. And they don't just need it like I need a spa weekend in Jamaica, they NEED it NOW or they will DIE. So, due to the fact that there are only 2 of us and 3 of them, someone is always crying about something somewhere in our house - and sometimes the kids cry too. To top it off, we parents are usually sporting the always fashionable "death warmed over because I had 3 measly hours of sleep" look while our 3 small bundles of boundless energy who can't do anything for themselves run circles around us, leaving trails of household debris in their wake. It's exhausting.

#2) You're always tired. So tired.

Remember back in reason number one I mentioned that it's exhausting? That's putting it mildly. It seems like one of them is always awake for some reason or another, which means one of us is always awake for some reason or another. I swear they have a built in sensor that goes off anytime our heads hit the pillow. I can't prove it, but I know it's there, just like the eyes in the back of mom's head. Add to that the fact that parents aren't immune from things like colds and stomach flues and insomnia and you have a recipe for disaster, albeit comedic disaster.

#3) Your brain can no longer function normally.

Comedic, you say? Yes, we are our own live-action sitcom. Who needs television when you have us? I remember one time in our old condo, I watched as my husband walked from the kitchen to the bedroom and then back again, returning with the plastic wrap in hand. As I watched this, I found myself wondering why he was wandering about with the plastic wrap... when I remembered it was I who had absentmindedly placed the aforementioned wrap on the bookshelf in our room. Why? (And NO, it was not some kinky bedroom goings-on) I was interrupted by a child who needed something while I was cleaning up and apparently, I didn't realize I still had the plastic wrap until I needed two hands. Sigh. We used to be young and spry, able to leap Jeopardy! categories in a single bound; now we just bumble around looking lost while our children lob us incessant questions that are WAY harder to answer than any Jeopardy! clue. Alex ain't got nothin' on my 5 year old. ("Mommy, what is the opposite of brown?" I don't know, child, because my brain dissolved somewhere around the time the 3rd pregnancy test came up positive. Ask me again in 18 years.)

#3) A new definition of "opposites" and "sibling rivalry".

Speaking of opposites, did you know that things can have more than one opposite? Like the opposite of happy can be sad, or it can also be mad. Consequently, those are also the names of my children. (I kid, I kid.) For the (very) short time that I only had two children, I found their differences cute. I didn't grow up with a brother or close male cousins, so a little boy was a new experience for me. Fast forward a year and we found ourselves back in the ultrasound room, being told that we were having another girl. "Easy peasy," I thought, "I've already got one of those." Wrong. While I did already have one girl, the second one was vastly different than the first. Where my oldest would drink her bottle out of the fridge, this one would only drink it warm (like her brother). The oldest slept through the night (for the most part) from her first week out of the womb - not so with the other two. Where my little boy would do a "warm up" before he actually started crying, the youngest launches straight into the Armageddon battle cry. Then we have the sibling rivalry that's already starting between the two oldest - although I must say it's different than the rivalry I had with my own sister. My 5 year old first born girl thinks her baby sister hung the moon whereas her brother commonly gets left out of the pictures she draws of our "whole family." She always wanted a sister.

#4) "Perfect" is in the eye of the beholder.

So, many (most?) of us only planned on having 2 kids, preferably one of each gender, the "perfect" little nuclear family. Then came the oops baby, the surprise baby, or my personal favorite, the bonus baby.  Now, I know a few of those "surprises" in real life (my own mother is one!) and I sure am glad they came along, but I'll bet for a while there their parents felt like I did when they first learned of the new arrival-to-be; kind of a mix between shock, horror joy, and denial. I heard Jim Gaffigan say one time that having a fourth child is like drowning and then someone hands you a baby. I can totally relate with that. I often thought my "perfect" family would consist of two girls, 5 years apart, like me and my sister. Then for a while, I thought my "perfect" family would be either one or zero children, preferably a girl IF I did have one. Well, I got my two girls, (almost exactly) 5 years apart, but I also got my sweet little boy that I wouldn't trade for the world and everything in it.  One part of me believes that God sends us the children we desperately need and who desperately need us as well, but another part (and probably the larger part) believes that free will has a lot to do with it too - I could've chosen to have no children or gotten a permanent form of birth control after the first or second one.  Regardless, I never expected to have three children, even in my wildest dreams BUT if you asked me which one I would give up, there's just no way I could answer you other than to say, "None of them!" Each of them is so wonderful, unique, and special in their own way. I have a different relationship with each of them and I wouldn't give that up for anything. Kevin and I sometimes threaten to take them to the fire station when they're misbehaving, but it's just a joke. Most of the time.  That being said, when people tell me that my youngest one is here simply because "Oh, God has a special plan for her!" it makes me wonder if God just didn't care about my already existing and still recovering, traumatized body/mind/soul that was already stretched pretty thin between two kids, a husband, a church, and school. I know they mean well, but seriously, I was drowning and then someone handed me a baby. But that's another blog post.

 #5)  Your house is constantly a mess.

I don't care if you're Martha Stewart on steroids and meth, there is just no way to have a clean house and your sanity when you have three children. With two, it was hard, but it could be done - with three, it is impossible. As soon as I clean up one mess, another one has been made. What took 2 seconds to spill on the floor takes half an hour to clean up. Then there's just the general maintenance stuff and the Never. Ending. Laundry. And I'm a stay-at-home mom! I can't imagine what I would do if I also worked full-time, so kudos to those moms who do! That's why I absolutely love this infographic:

#6) You cannot get anywhere, on time, ever.

It literally takes a minimum of 2.5 hours to get ready for church and that's IF I get the kids' clothes ready the night before and don't bother with hair and makeup.  There's the outfits and the diaper bag and the thermos of hot water mixed with prune juice because we have a picky baby with constipation issues (All three kids have this issue. Yes, I have talked to the doctor. Yes, they drink plenty of water, eat plenty of fiber, etc etc... I am just thankful it's not something worse.) and the extra clothes and did we remember to bring the donuts for breakfast/covered dish for the luncheon/other random church thing?  Let's not even get into having to get the oldest up and ready for school THAT STARTS AT 7:40AM every single day after the baby FINALLY went to back sleep at 6:30. We should have a sign outside our door that says, "Welcome to Crazytown, USA; here's your hat, the parade is on Thursday!"

#7)  Going anywhere is (almost) not worth it.

Those of you with no children or only one, well behaved child: please know that we love you dearly and we would give our right arm to be able to go out with you to the cute little wine bar and then tapas and then dinner afterward but...well... we'd give both arms for an extra hour of sleep. Sorry. This reason is pretty much a given with children. We happen to have two pretty calm older kids, they sleep well, eat well, play well, and are generally content with what they're given. The youngest is still just a baby, so her personality still remains a mystery, but I'm willing to bet she won't stray too far the other direction.  Even so, we have to plan every minute detail in order to even get out of the house and into the car. When I go to the grocery store by myself (and yes, it does happen), I have to have a plan of action that would rival General Patton's at the Battle of the Bulge. Which store I'm going to defines which baby restraint devices I will be taking with me, most of which stay in the car all the time. In the back of my trusty white Jeep there are typically several of these devices: the Sit N Stand, an umbrella stroller, the Moby wrap, the Baby Bjorn type carrier, and the little owl backpack with a leash. Yes, I have a leash for my child, I am that mom. So sue me, he loves it.  Anywho, if I'm going to Wal-Mart (or any other place where the basket will only fit a single child up front), I know that the baby will go in the wrap, the older baby will go in the basket/buggy/cart seat, and the oldest will either walk, or she'll sit in the big part of the basket/buggy/cart ON YOUR BOTTOM FOR THE 37 THOUSANDTH TIME SO HELP ME GOD and play with my phone.

So, as you can probably tell, I was going to do the "Top 10" reasons but due to #2 and #3, 7 is the best I can do.  While writing this, I realized that I'm still such a newbie at this whole parenting thing, I mean seriously, I've only been a mom for FIVE YEARS. I should write another list when I hit 10 years. If I'm still alive and/or sane. No promises though.