It's really no surprise that PPD became an issue for me, I struggled with prenatal depression through both pregnancies and only avoided true PPD the first time because I was still on Zoloft. A while back, I decided that I wanted to actually attempt to heal my psychological wounds instead of just masking them, so (with the guidance of my therapist), I stayed off Zoloft after Jacob was born. Did I know that this increased my risk of PPD? Yes. Was it worth it? Now that I can see things more clearly, yes, I think it was because there are many deep wounds that have begun to heal. However, just because I wasn't on a medication doesn't mean that I ignored my depression or didn't seek treatment, I did. I continued to go to therapy and I let those close to me know what I was going through so when I seemed crazy and irrational, they would understand why - or at least begin to understand why.
Today, I'm writing to shed some light on what postpartum depression looks and feels like. I know I'm not the first and I will not be the last. If you are suffering from PPD, know this: you are not crazy, it will not last forever, and there is no shame to be had. You cannot control it anymore than someone can control cancer. You WILL feel normal again. If you know someone suffering from PPD, know this: they are not crazy, it will not last forever, and YOU are one of most important components to helping this person recover. I'm putting this in bold type because it is so very important: having a support system is one of the best things that anyone suffering from depression can have. Having someone to cling to when the pain takes over is of utmost importance. Everyone, at some point in their lives, needs help.
So now that we've covered that, let's talk about some of the stigmas and lies surrounding depression in general and why they are ridiculous.
Having depression does not mean you are crazy or broken.
Depression does not equal weakness.
Depression is not incurable, it does not last forever. It may recur, but it will not last forever.
Depression does not mean you are a terrible person or a terrible parent.
Depression does not define you as a person. Much like having cancer or diabetes or multiple sclerosis, depression is something that can happen to you - but none of these things define you. They may be hereditary, they may be caused by a particular event or string of events, they may appear out of nowhere. Depression is the same way - it happens to you but it doesn't define you.
Did you know that some of the smartest and strongest people in history struggled with depression? Abraham Lincoln, Beethoven, Charles Dickens, Winston Churchill, and even Albert Einstein are all said to have struggled with depression throughout their lives. However, they also went on to accomplish great things despite their depression - and guess what - so can you!
Postpartum depression has many of the same effects as regular depression, but it is thought to be brought on by the hormonal changes that occur during pregnancy and childbirth. Many of the negative thoughts surround being a parent and your children - particularly the new baby. Each person (and I say person because fathers can suffer from it as well) is different, but here are some of the symptoms I experienced: extreme sadness, intense rage, being incapable of logical thought, inability to concentrate, obsessive thoughts, sleep issues, panic attacks, crippling anxiety, feeling like I was the only person who could properly take care of Jacob while simultaneously being afraid of hurting him, feeling like the most horrible mother and person in the world, feeling as if the world and my family would be better if I had never been born, feeling desperately afraid that I would never be taken seriously again, being so afraid of the "mentally ill" label that I would deny myself honesty and treatment. If you've never experienced it for yourself, here is something I wrote after coming out of one of my worst episodes:
"It takes over, like a wave; the intense pain, leaving behind the wreckage of my rationality and joy. I only feel pain and sorrow and it hurts so deeply. I never know what's going to set it off and I never know when it will abate. When it hits, I feel so broken and spoiled, left to rot in a world that doesn't care. It is the deepest pit imaginable. First, I get angry and I hang onto the anger so desperately, because I know when I let go, I will fall and the pain will engulf me again. Sometimes I don't know how many more times I can handle it, I just want it to go away. I'm so ashamed to let anyone see me like this. It's not fair to Kevin, me, our kids, our church - no one. So I ask God, 'Why? What is the reason? Was my painful pregnancy and the fact that I didn't want another child not enough? Why am I being punished?' It often seems there are no answers. It leads me to think that maybe I just deserve to feel this way. I'm not sure actual hell could be any worse."
Sounds like a load of fun and sunshine, doesn't it?
There are many people out there who don't understand it. There are even a few that deny its existence. These people will make you doubt yourself. They will make you feel crazy. But that's just it, they can only do that if you let them. You cannot control other people and their actions, but you can control your reaction.
"But how?" you may be asking. Well, here's the cool thing about our brains - many of the things we once believed to be "hard-wired" or unchangeable are actually more malleable than we thought. Through reforming habits and thought patterns, we can actually change our neuro-pathways and default them to be positive and uplifting instead of self-degrading. What's even more amazing is this can happen no matter what age you are or what issues you have, even people with severe autism can learn things like social skills and empathy (see, you can teach an "old dog" new tricks, he just has to want to learn them and it has to be done the right way). Scientifically, it has a lot to do with mirror neurons and such - I've done a lot of my own research and I encourage you to do your own and not just take my word for it - but what it means for us in the real world is this: healing is possible. Postpartum depression, in particular, responds very well to talk therapy. Talk therapy (cognitive therapy) helps us learn to "retrain" the way we think. All those little lies depression tells you about yourself and others (You're worthless, no one loves you, you're unloveable, you're broken, they're all out to get you) are just that - lies. Lies that are part of a disease that has happened to you but doesn't define you. And because it does not define you, you are still free to make up your own mind about what does define you. Start by recognizing those feelings as they come and then tell yourself what you are going to do with those feelings. Here's what I like to do: "Right now, I am feeling very angry. I'm angry with myself and/or this person. I will not allow this anger to control me, but instead, I will do [A, B, or C] to help me calm down." Sometimes, I just need a minute to breathe and acknowledge what I'm feeling and then put it away. Sometimes, I need to run to the store by myself and just have some quiet time. Sometimes, I need to call Kevin home from a meeting because the baby is screaming and I know that I cannot be rational about it. The key is having weapons in your arsenal that are so familiar to you that you begin to default to them instead of the depression, but you must learn to intervene early, before the feelings escalate. That was the hardest part for me - recognizing where these feelings were going before they get there.
When the depression first took over, I would get so angry. That anger would build and build and then all of the sudden, the bottom would drop out, and I would plunge into utter darkness. It happened over and over. Finally, I talked to my therapist and she told me the best way to combat this was to try controlling my thought patterns. Instead of saying "I can't handle this", to try saying instead, "I am feeling very stressed and I need some help." It took a while to get the hang of it, but slowly, I started to be able to intervene and control my symptoms before they spiraled out of control. Depression is tough. When you're in the middle of an episode (and it is often very episodic) it feels like it will never end...and there's a strange comfort in that. You're angry and you hold onto that anger, you don't want to imagine not being angry. You're sad and you hold onto that sadness and you can't imagine not being sad. This is what I had to learn to control and it was hard. Very, very hard. But that's also when the breakthrough came. So today, I encourage you don't give up. Don't let the depression lie to you. Acknowledge it and put it in its place, it cannot control you if you don't let it. You may need medication to help you through the worst of it, but don't let the medication mask issues that you need to deal with, it will only prolong your pain - believe me, I know from experience. Therapy is more expensive than medicine, it takes work and patience, and some people just need medication - but in most cases it is so worth the cost and the work, so if you need help, get help.
Above all, remember this: You are not crazy. You are not broken. You are not alone. You are loved by someone. You are loved by Someone. Depression is not forever.
Grace and peace to you all,
Andrea
