I really do mean to post more often than I do. Isn't that the way these blog things always go, good intentions at the beginning but no time to actually follow through? I know, I know, I have three good excuses (otherwise known as my kids), but the thing is I love to write and I always have like 10 blog posts floating around in my head; sometimes I wish I had more time to sit and hammer them out. Oh well. Anyway, I have a question for you, inspired by another article I read today as well as many of the questions I and others have been toying with lately:
Which is better?
Coffee or tea?
Chocolate or vanilla?
Country living or city life?
Mega/large church or small church?
Contemporary or traditional worship?
Liberal or conservative?
Texas or Florida?
Now, most of us have definite opinions when asked the above questions. You can probably look at my choices in life and tell which ones I prefer...or maybe you could at least pick the ones that fit into the picture you have of who I am. Even then, I could make a list now that would look totally different than what it would have even a year ago. My point is that we all have opinions, we all have a perspective, and through time, that perspective will change; but, we feel so threatened by that change that the conversation just gets shut down because someone (myself included) can't deal with another disagreeing with them. That's where we get stuck - inflexible - when we become so convinced that our opinion or perspective is the right one and we start getting arrogant or holier-than-thou or self righteous - you know, like a rebellious teenager who thinks they know better than everyone else. So, being the faithful psychology nerd that I am, I have to take the issue deeper and ask another question.
Where does this attitude come from?
There are certain emotions that we display that are called "secondary" emotions. This means that they are typically the result of another, more primal emotion. Anger is often a secondary emotion. Wait, what? Yes, you heard me correctly, anger is (often, not always) a secondary emotion, meaning it usually results from another emotion, even if it's just a flash of an emotion. For me, anger typically results from first feeling hurt or feeling afraid. I think for most of us, anger is a reflex that we feel when we are threatened. Humans fight for equilibrium (also referred to as our "balance" or our "center") at all times, even if their "center" is an unhealthy one. That why people who struggle with depression, anxiety, addiction, or any other number of maladies often refuse to get help. Getting help would mean change and change means disturbing their balance, which is the one thing we all try not to do. Now, don't get me wrong, maintaining balance is a good thing, as is fighting for what you believe in, but focusing too much on maintaining balance can often interfere with our ability to grow and change as human beings. Life requires growth and change, it's inevitable. We will age. We will experience loss. We will experience change. And guess what - when we do, the world will keep spinning and life as earth knows it does not stop. Eventually, we will have to face most of our fears. We can run and hide or we can methodically plan out every step but it doesn't matter - life will still come along and throw us a curve ball. We long for these "guarantees" - just follow this rule and that rule and you can prevent "life" (heartbreak, loss, tragedy) from happening. Use this cream and you won't get wrinkles. Use this foundation and you can cover up all your flaws. Buy this car and everyone will think you're swag young money (just learned that one the other day, thanks QB!). Does it matter what others think? Yes and no. Does it matter what God thinks? Oh, yes. A lot of us are motivated by what others think and we all know there can be issues with that, but many are also motivated by what God thinks.
Or what they think God thinks. What God thinks according to their personal ideology. (Am I stepping on toes yet?) Who do you have in your mind, right now, that you're thinking, "Oh yeah, that person totally does that!"? Okay, take that person and now replace them with yourself. Did you do it? Okay, good, let's move on. (Okay, now I'm stomping on both feet. Bear with me.)
I come at this from a different perspective than a lot of others. I'm different, I just am. I was born that way. No really, it is actually in my biology - science says so. I question, I wrestle, I struggle, I doubt. In my short life, I've had the ideology of other people forced on me more times than I can count and I know from personal experience the toll that that can take on a human being. It's not pretty. And you know the crazy thing? Most of these people were not trying to be mean or beat me into submission, they were simply driven by what they thought was right, at the expense of my idea of who I was as a person, otherwise known as self-esteem. How can one love others as they love themselves if they hate themselves? Self-esteem and self-righteousness, despite popular teachings, are not one and the same. I've seen that ideologies are all well and good in theory, but when put into practice, they fall apart. Why? Because people. What's the number one cause of divorce? People. What's the number one cause of war? People. What's often missing from ideologies is the openness and the flexibility that is required to get through life with any hope of experiencing happiness. This can also be referred to as loving our neighbor. So now having said all of the above, I will answer the questions I asked. Are you ready?
Why not both? (Stay with me here. I'll explain.)
Sometimes I need coffee because I can't keep my eyes open and I have things to do. Sometimes I need tea because I need something soothing.
How would we know the goodness of chocolate if we didn't have vanilla to compare it to (or vice versa)?
Rural living is wonderful, there's nothing like the taste of freshness that comes from a hand-picked garden. There's nothing like being part of such a tight-knit community that when you close your blinds and sneeze, everyone asks the next morning how your cold is. (Thank you, Anne of Green Gables for that anecdote!) But there are also times that it's nice to know your neighbor is literally seconds away if you need something, or that the ER is close enough that you don't have to make a choice between calling an ambulance and having to wait for who knows how long or driving there yourself, but at a slower pace. There is a richness in the cultural diversity that comes with city life, it's harder to be racist/homophobic/misogynistic when you are surrounded by, know, and love the people that don't fit "the mold", AKA whatever ideology that particular culture has adopted as the "only way".
We've seen the bad that mega churches can spawn but there is also a lot of good in there as well, they can move the masses in ways that smaller churches can only dream of - they can make real change happen. Small churches may not have a separate service for children and for youth, but there's something about the pastor knowing your name and recognizing every face that brings warmth to a heart that longs for closeness and relationship.
As for worship style, I told someone the other day that I don't really care what style worship it is, as long as it's genuine and God is there (whether I feel him or not), I have no problems with it. Contemporary, gospel, high church, low church, liturgical, traditional, in a bar; I don't care, as long as my heart is in the right place, I know that I will encounter God.
Conservative mindsets are often necessary to maintain boundaries that have been set and remind of us of what we stand for. Liberal mindsets are often necessary to push us past the boundaries that didn't need to be set and to show us where we can go.
Texas is where my roots are, where my home is, where my family is, and where my friends are; it's unique and wonderful and obnoxious. Florida is where my roots are growing, where my home is, where my friends are and where my family is; it's where the sand gets between my toes and I can lose myself in the beauty of the seashore. I love the fanciness of Texas and the casualness of Florida.
But I would never want to get so steeped in one or the other mindset that I lose the ability to relate to other people who may have a different opinion because they are just as much as child of God as I am.
There are so many ways in which I cannot choose one over the other because they both matter and to lose one would be to lose the ability to truly appreciate each for what they are.
I encourage you to quit being so scared of life, so scared of loss, so scared of something different, so scared of something new, so scared of questioning your personal idea of God, so scared of disturbing the balance of your life that something wonderful passes you by. Stand for what you believe in, but not to the point of stomping the life out of someone else. Live to see the good, not the bad. Look for how you can love, not how you can be offended.
So, I ask you again. Which is better? Maybe it's one or the other. Or maybe it's both. Maybe it's neither. The question begs us to go deeper.
