Enigma. Paradox. Me.

Ambigram from AdWeek Suicide Prevention Ads

I am enigmatic. I am a paradox. I take pride in not being easily understood or explained, yet I want desperately to be understood and to explain myself.  I am open, but I am defensive. In my quest to prevent others from feeling pain and make everyone happy, I cause pain and grief. I am self-less to a fault, but still make everything about me. I suffer from depression, but chase happiness like it's actually attainable. I see things in black and white dichotomies, but want others to see the gray spectrum in me. I judge others but I don't want them to judge me. I want to share everything I love with the people I love but I still hold back the things I love most for fear of hurt and rejection. I expect perfection and yet yearn to be allowed to fail.

Love others as you love yourself. Love your life and you will lose it. How can I love myself and hate my own life?

I get it wrong, all the time.

I need forgiveness. I need acceptance. I need unconditional love. I need patience. I need all the things that I sometimes find it hard to give.

I want to have my cake and eat it, too.

I need kindness. I need mercy. I need abundant grace. I need all the things that I sometimes find hard to accept.

I want too much and love too much and cry too much and laugh too loud and feel too deep and open my mind too wide.

I am broken, I am beautiful.

I am enigmatic. I am a paradox.

Aren't we all?

What killed Jesus?

As we approach Holy Week, I've been thinking a lot about Jesus' death and what it means for us as followers of Christ. It is a time where I solemnly reflect on the past year and what his death means in my life, both in the past and in the present. This year, I've been thinking about what killed Jesus. Not necessarily physically, as I know the method, but who, what, why, and how that all fits together.

As a child, I was taught (and rightly so) that sin is the reason Jesus died, plain and simple. As an adult, I have started to explore this idea more deeply, especially after Kevin's sermon a week ago dealing with half truths about sin. (Click here to listen!) All sin is not equal in severity and consequence, but all sin is equal in that the wages of it are death, and forgiveness is made available through the blood of Jesus.  Coincidentally, I've also recently been noticing a lot of stories about people being the victims of hate and prejudice and that's what I want to focus on today, as I believe it was a major cause of Christ's death sentence. It comes in many forms, from name calling on the playground, to beatings in a parking lot, to people being killed or driven to suicide by the careless words and actions of others. A kid told my daughter at school this week that he didn't like her, for no apparent reason whatsoever. Now that is a relatively mild example, but it still illustrates my point: dislike, fear of others, and even hate is everywhere, it is a part of the human condition.

When you really think about it, hate is easy, isn't it? Way easier than love. It takes little thought on the part of the hater, but it affects the hatee very deeply. As someone who has suffered from deep depression as an adult and peer-dealt oppression as a child, I identify deeply with the victims in these stories. I know what it's like to feel like a walking mistake, simply because of the way I was born and the way my brain works. I am judged as a mother because I suffered from PPD, although there's not much I could do about it because that's how my biological body responds to hormone fluctuations. According to some, apparently, I don't really suffer from anything, because depression doesn't exist. To others, I am simply succumbing to "sinful lifestyle" to admit that I deal with long term depression and anxiety (and they have proof texts to hit me with as well!), but I know when God looks at my heart, he sees someone who just wants to follow him with all they've got, no matter what, and who strives to see themselves as he sees them - as someone who is worthy of being called his child, even when they're not perfect. And I would hope that other Christians would see that as well, but we all know that is not always the case. When I read or see the stories of others who struggle like me, I want to reach through the screen and grab these fellow humans and hug them and tell them there is hope, there is healing, and that they are not alone. Each generation has a preferred target, but we all have that group of people that we feel threatened by - even as Christians! We often feel threatened by other believers that are different from us. We fool ourselves into thinking that we have it all exactly right, so they have to believe as we do, when the reality is not another person on the earth believes exactly like you do or like I do.  I hear a lot of talk about, "Well, we know them by their fruit," and I understand where that comes from - but I also think maybe our fruit seeing eyes aren't "all that," you know?  What if what looks like weak, shriveled, or even non-existent fruit to me looks like the biggest, juiciest orange in the garden to God, because he knows their story and what they've gone through to get there and I do not? It's a point worth considering, simply because it puts the focus back on the log in our own eye and not the speck in theirs. Think about the people Jesus praised and how they looked to the Pharisees, essentially the God appointed "fruit-judgers" of Israel. What they saw as rotten, Jesus saw as good, as vice versa. It's something to think about. And even as I write out my thoughts, I am aware of the fact that I in no way think I am absolutely right about these things. I know what I believe and why I believe it and I am more than happy to share it with anyone who wants to hear it, but I also desire to be humble enough to actually listen to someone who is different from me and be validating of them, even if I do not agree. I still fail (often miserably when it comes to my own "pet peeves"), but I am trying.

As I read the story of Jesus' life, I am drawn to the fact that he was also a controversial figure; hated by those who decided what the "status quo" was and who fit in - and also who didn't measure up. Who were these power mongers? They were the people Jesus had in his sights, the ones whom he called "whitewashed tombs" and "brood of vipers." They were the religious and government leaders of his day. The successful ones that everyone looked up to; the ones who claimed they knew all about Jesus' secret agenda to take over their power and they would stop at nothing to stop him. They accused him of blasphemy against God when they themselves were guilty of just that. But still, they followed and defined the status quo, so they got the "last word." What they said, went: Jews in, Samaritans out. Rich in, poor out. Righteous in, sinners out. Barabas in, Jesus out. And just when they thought they had everything under control, here comes Jesus representing everything they hated, is it any wonder they wanted him gone?  I mean he shared a cup with a Samaritan woman, he dined with and even protected well known, seemingly unrepentant sinners; he touched lepers and forgave adulterers, he challenged flowery public prayers and praised the woman who gave only 2 pennies as an offering. Jesus was different, he took "tradition" and "law" and replaced them with "grace" and "relationship."  He was different and they feared different. Different threatened their power. So rather than listening with open hearts, they clung to their fear and let it turn to hatred.

And in their fear and hatred, they killed him. 

No, they didn't drive the actual nails in his hands, but they banded together, forming an ugly, bitter unity; and they even convinced a beloved friend to betray him (although Judas himself was also to blame). Just like the people that belittle and bully vulnerable teens into killing themselves, telling them that no one cares, not even the people they thought loved them and they'd be better off dead because they are in and of themselves just a big, fat mistake. Even the governor washed his hands of Jesus' case, for fear of retribution from the people. Sure, Jesus knew all this was coming, but do you think that saved him from any hurt? I don't think it did. I hate that he suffered because of me, but I am thankful to have a Savior that knows what it feels like to be betrayed and hated and yet still loved by God. Jesus never said that the rules or laws didn't matter, but he did say he was sent to restore what was broken and that love mattered much much more than following the rules and holding others to ridiculous standards. Righteousness starts in our hearts with the love of God, true repentance, and humility in the face of our own shortcomings.

Fear and hatred kill. They kill our bodies, they kill our spirits, they kill our hope. They killed our Savior.  Of course there is further hope in the resurrection - but we're not there yet. We're not to that place in the story. Please, don't rush ahead, even when it's uncomfortable to dwell; even when it causes you to take a good look at your own shortcomings. I encourage you to take the time during Holy Week to explore what you fear and what you hate. How will you treat the dark skinned woman in a hijab who sits by you on the bus? How about that gay couple across from you in the restaurant? What about the single mom with the screaming kids in the grocery store? Or maybe the older person in front of you in the pharmacy line who doesn't understand how to organize all their medications? Better yet, how would Jesus treat them? Would he think to himself "What a sinner/annoyance/idiot!" and then just move on? Think on those things you harbor in your heart that no one else knows about. We all have them. Allow God to shine a light on them. Confront them. Listen to Him with an open heart. Don't be like the fig tree Jesus took issue with after he cleansed the temple, you know the one that looked really good and followed all the "rules" of being a good looking, church going tree, but was bare bones when it came to the thing that mattered: love, I mean figs. You're better than that. God's church is better than that. So let's start showing it, shall we?

Which is better?

I really do mean to post more often than I do. Isn't that the way these blog things always go, good intentions at the beginning but no time to actually follow through? I know, I know, I have three good excuses (otherwise known as my kids), but the thing is I love to write and I always have like 10 blog posts floating around in my head; sometimes I wish I had more time to sit and hammer them out.  Oh well. Anyway, I have a question for you, inspired by another article I read today as well as many of the questions I and others have been toying with lately:

Which is better?

Coffee or tea?

Chocolate or vanilla?

Country living or city life?

Mega/large church or small church?

Contemporary or traditional worship?

Liberal or conservative?

Texas or Florida?

Now, most of us have definite opinions when asked the above questions.  You can probably look at my choices in life and tell which ones I prefer...or maybe you could at least pick the ones that fit into the picture you have of who I am.  Even then, I could make a list now that would look totally different than what it would have even a year ago. My point is that we all have opinions, we all have a perspective, and through time, that perspective will change; but, we feel so threatened by that change that the conversation just gets shut down because someone (myself included) can't deal with another disagreeing with them. That's where we get stuck - inflexible - when we become so convinced that our opinion or perspective is the right one and we start getting arrogant or holier-than-thou or self righteous - you know, like a rebellious teenager who thinks they know better than everyone else.  So, being the faithful psychology nerd that I am, I have to take the issue deeper and ask another question.

Where does this attitude come from?

There are certain emotions that we display that are called "secondary" emotions. This means that they are typically the result of another, more primal emotion.  Anger is often a secondary emotion. Wait, what? Yes, you heard me correctly, anger is (often, not always) a secondary emotion, meaning it usually results from another emotion, even if it's just a flash of an emotion. For me, anger typically results from first feeling hurt or feeling afraid. I think for most of us, anger is a reflex that we feel when we are threatened. Humans fight for equilibrium (also referred to as our "balance" or our "center") at all times, even if their "center" is an unhealthy one. That why people who struggle with depression, anxiety, addiction, or any other number of maladies often refuse to get help. Getting help would mean change and change means disturbing their balance, which is the one thing we all try not to do.  Now, don't get me wrong, maintaining balance is a good thing, as is fighting for what you believe in, but focusing too much on maintaining balance can often interfere with our ability to grow and change as human beings. Life requires growth and change, it's inevitable. We will age. We will experience loss. We will experience change.  And guess what - when we do, the world will keep spinning and life as earth knows it does not stop. Eventually, we will have to face most of our fears. We can run and hide or we can methodically plan out every step but it doesn't matter - life will still come along and throw us a curve ball. We long for these "guarantees" - just follow this rule and that rule and you can prevent "life" (heartbreak, loss, tragedy) from happening.  Use this cream and you won't get wrinkles.  Use this foundation and you can cover up all your flaws.  Buy this car and everyone will think you're swag young money (just learned that one the other day, thanks QB!).  Does it matter what others think? Yes and no.  Does it matter what God thinks? Oh, yes.  A lot of us are motivated by what others think and we all know there can be issues with that, but many are also motivated by what God thinks.

Or what they think God thinks. What God thinks according to their personal ideology. (Am I stepping on toes yet?) Who do you have in your mind, right now, that you're thinking, "Oh yeah, that person totally does that!"?  Okay, take that person and now replace them with yourself.  Did you do it? Okay, good, let's move on. (Okay, now I'm stomping on both feet. Bear with me.)

 I come at this from a different perspective than a lot of others. I'm different, I just am. I was born that way. No really, it is actually in my biology - science says so. I question, I wrestle, I struggle, I doubt. In my short life, I've had the ideology of other people forced on me more times than I can count and I know from personal experience the toll that that can take on a human being. It's not pretty. And you know the crazy thing? Most of these people were not trying to be mean or beat me into submission, they were simply driven by what they thought was right, at the expense of my idea of who I was as a person, otherwise known as self-esteem. How can one love others as they love themselves if they hate themselves? Self-esteem and self-righteousness, despite popular teachings, are not one and the same. I've seen that ideologies are all well and good in theory, but when put into practice, they fall apart. Why? Because people.  What's the number one cause of divorce? People.  What's the number one cause of war? People.  What's often missing from ideologies is the openness and the flexibility that is required to get through life with any hope of experiencing happiness. This can also be referred to as loving our neighbor. So now having said all of the above, I will answer the questions I asked.  Are you ready?

Why not both?  (Stay with me here. I'll explain.)

Sometimes I need coffee because I can't keep my eyes open and I have things to do. Sometimes I need tea because I need something soothing.
How would we know the goodness of chocolate if we didn't have vanilla to compare it to (or vice versa)?
 Rural living is wonderful, there's nothing like the taste of freshness that comes from a hand-picked garden. There's nothing like being part of such a tight-knit community that when you close your blinds and sneeze, everyone asks the next morning how your cold is. (Thank you, Anne of Green Gables for that anecdote!) But there are also times that it's nice to know your neighbor is literally seconds away if you need something, or that the ER is close enough that you don't have to make a choice between calling an ambulance and having to wait for who knows how long or driving there yourself, but at a slower pace. There is a richness in the cultural diversity that comes with city life, it's harder to be racist/homophobic/misogynistic when you are surrounded by, know, and love the people that don't fit "the mold", AKA whatever ideology that particular culture has adopted as the "only way".
We've seen the bad that mega churches can spawn but there is also a lot of good in there as well, they can move the masses in ways that smaller churches can only dream of - they can make real change happen. Small churches may not have a separate service for children and for youth, but there's something about the pastor knowing your name and recognizing every face that brings warmth to a heart that longs for closeness and relationship.
As for worship style, I told someone the other day that I don't really care what style worship it is, as long as it's genuine and God is there (whether I feel him or not), I have no problems with it. Contemporary, gospel, high church, low church, liturgical, traditional, in a bar; I don't care, as long as my heart is in the right place, I know that I will encounter God.
Conservative mindsets are often necessary to maintain boundaries that have been set and remind of us of what we stand for. Liberal mindsets are often necessary to push us past the boundaries that didn't need to be set and to show us where we can go.
Texas is where my roots are, where my home is, where my family is, and where my friends are; it's unique and wonderful and obnoxious. Florida is where my roots are growing, where my home is, where my friends are and where my family is; it's where the sand gets between my toes and I can lose myself in the beauty of the seashore. I love the fanciness of Texas and the casualness of Florida.

But I would never want to get so steeped in one or the other mindset that I lose the ability to relate to other people who may have a different opinion because they are just as much as child of God as I am.

There are so many ways in which I cannot choose one over the other because they both matter and to lose one would be to lose the ability to truly appreciate each for what they are.

I encourage you to quit being so scared of life, so scared of loss, so scared of something different, so scared of something new, so scared of questioning your personal idea of God, so scared of disturbing the balance of your life that something wonderful passes you by. Stand for what you believe in, but not to the point of stomping the life out of someone else.  Live to see the good, not the bad. Look for how you can love, not how you can be offended.

So, I ask you again.  Which is better? Maybe it's one or the other. Or maybe it's both. Maybe it's neither.  The question begs us to go deeper.