What is a friend? It's a good question. Is it someone who won't let you down? Someone who won't betray you? Perhaps it's someone who agrees with you or even someone who will disagree with you. Maybe it's someone who will be honest with you, even if it hurts. I really have no idea anymore. So many of these things are relative - what's honesty to you may be brutal and uncalled for to me. I look at Facebook and I see all these people labeled as "friends" and it makes me think about what the word "friend" has come to mean in our culture. For instance, there are some folks I see a lot but I don't really know them at all - nor do they know me, but on Facebook, they're labeled as a "friend". There are some who I rarely get to see but it seems they know me better than I know myself. And then there are those that you can count on to always go on a political or religious rant with no thought on how their words will affect others (I'm guilty of this, I'm sure you are too) and you roll your eyes and keep scrolling.
Then there's the others, you know the ones...they're the relationships that you don't want to think about but still obsess over. The people that you thought you knew but now that there's been some distance, you realize one or both of you had on rose colored glasses. Maybe it was a one way relationship, you thought you were great friends only to find out they never viewed you the same way. Maybe you see pictures of a bridal shower or birthday party and think to yourself, "Really? No one thought about inviting me?" Then comes the harder question: "Why?" Maybe you've had a falling out, feelings were hurt on both sides, and reconciliation seems like a pipe dream. Perhaps you just grew apart, slowly, with no major fights or letdowns - you're just different people now. I'm not referring to specific people in my own life as much as I'm referring to situations that happen to each of us, all the time. Whatever the cause of these rifts - the result is hurt and if we're not careful, hurt leads to anger, and anger leads to bitterness.
When you start nearing 30, you start to realize that life does not go as planned. Perhaps you're like me and you've suffered loss and depression and at your lowest point, a crisis of faith. Perhaps you've suffered far greater pain, like losing a child or a parent, or are a victim of abuse. Perhaps you or someone you know struggles with their sexuality or with an addiction and everyone you meet seems to offer their judgement and an easy fix instead of really listening or caring. You start to realize how small your little part of the world really is and it's frightening. You come face to face with your mortality and it scares you. What do we make of all this? How do we deal with it?
Kevin has been preaching a sermon series about those who shaped us in the faith and those who we are shaping. How we're all "raw materials being shaped for good work", a reference to God as the Potter and his children as the clay. At the beginning of the series, he and I sang a song titled "Search Me, Know Me". I've always loved this song and I've sung it countless times, but this time was different. This time, I felt every one of those words flow from the deepest, darkest part of my soul.
"Search me, know me, try me and see every worthless affection hidden in me.
All I'm asking for is that you'd cleanse me, Lord.
Create in me a heart that's clean, conquer the power of secret shame; come wash away the guilty stain of all my sin.
Clothe me in robes of righteousness, cover my nakedness with grace; all of my life before you, now, I humbly bring." (Words by Kathryn Scott)
The words that struck me most were "conquer the power of secret shame." I carry around the secret shame of depression and anxiety every day. There are days that it seems like my soul weighs a million pounds. While my depression has improved somewhat, I am still in a time of immense struggle and I've given a lot of thought to what I need to do to put myself in a better place and I encourage you to do the same, wherever you are in your journey. For me, a big change I want to see is to stop being motivated by guilt and fear and instead be motivated by the Holy Spirit and good will. I also want to stop pouring my energies into relationships and outlets that give me nothing in return - others' happiness is not my responsibility and too often, I try to make it my responsibility. Those who have shaped me and those I am shaping- they are the ones who are deserving of my time and energy. My Lord, my husband, my children, my parents, my sister, my in-laws, my church, the friends and mentors who have proven themselves faithful - they are the most deserving. It's not that I don't love others, I most certainly do; but when I fret and worry and allow these other things to suck all the life out of me, there is nothing left for those I cherish most and who depend on me to be wholly present.
It saddens me to look behind me and see broken friendships - some my fault, some their fault, some both, some neither. But I cannot continue to steep myself in feeling guilty over them when I have done what I can to make things right; the time has come to move on. How about you? Do you need to move on? Who needs you to be wholly present? Who has shaped you and who are you shaping? It's worth thinking about.
