Smartphones and Jesus.

Courtesy of WeKnowMemes.com

Whether you like it or not, the invention of the internet has ushered our world into a new era:  the age of information.  It is an age where virtually no question goes unanswered.  We have cell phones that we can hold up to a speaker and an app will tell us the name of the song and who sings it.  Wikipedia, the "Google gods", and Siri are constantly at our fingertips, offering us unlimited knowledge about any subject.  I was talking to my Mom the other day and she was saying that they get a lot of phone calls at her office about various tax vocabulary used in letters they send out.  I responded by asking, "Why wouldn't they just Google it?"  To me, it was a foreign concept to pick up the phone (the house phone, nonetheless) and call an office to ask a simple question - why not just go to your computer and Google it???  Have an intense debate going on about whether or not Sixteen Candles came out in 1984 or 1985?  Grab your phone.  Kevin and I have settled many a disagreement with a quick reference to IMDB or Safari and a self-satisfied smirk.  It's ridiculous, really.

Many people of a different mindset (I will refrain from using ugly words like "old" or "simpler", it's just different) find it absolutely infuriating and I can understand why.  While we now have the answers to "all" our questions, we have lost valuable things like the ability to speak with and relate to other human beings.  We often can't sit down to a family dinner without half the attenders heads being bent over their various devices.  Being a bit of a techno junkie myself, I am quite guilty of this.  "Why can't you just put down the phone and listen?", they ask.  We often don't have a good answer - or at least not one we'll say out loud.  I love my electronics but I have found that holding the "answers" in the palm of my hand isn't as satisfying as it once was.  Why?  Because far too often, we cannot find the real answers to life's questions on Google.  And not having the answers is often very frightening.  Try typing these into Google:

"Why do I feel so alone?"
"Why did my father/mother leave my family?"
"Why was I abused as a child?"
"Why doesn't anyone love me?"

Didn't get very specific answers, did you?

People of my generation flock to websites like Facebook and Pinterest because we have this intense desire to share ourselves with the world around us.  We want to feel relevant and important, like what we think matters.  I totally fall into this category - why else would I have a blog?  But often, these social media outlets fall short of what we really need - true love and acceptance.  So where do we go to find that?

Many of us in ministry find ourselves struggling with this question while facing the identity of the church in today's culture.  Gone are the days of just going to church because that's what everyone did on Sundays.  Gone are the days of unquestioned theology and authority in the church.  Scandals, cover-ups, and dishonesty among prominent Christian leaders rule our headlines.  And what's worse, the rest of the so-called Christian leaders are expected to know all the answers and often pretend (or really think) that they do. The things that "always were" in the past are now forgotten.  Church no longer seems relevant.  "Why would I go to church?  It's full of hypocrites and judgmental people.  They're no better than me." How right they are.  Every single person that sits in any given church on any given Sunday is a hypocrite.  We're all guilty of judging others harshly.  We're all sinners.  But often we forget that we're all sinners and we adopt this holier-than-thou attitude and make pronouncements on other people's hearts, like we're God.  When confronted, we claim that we're just "observing the fruit".  I read something on Pinterest the other day that said "Don't judge someone because they sin differently than you."  It made me think about my own sin.  I've told people before that I struggle with anger and depression only to be met with "Really??  I would've never guessed, you seem so happy."  Well, no, they wouldn't guess these things because I've learned to control it in front of others, people I don't trust to love me unconditionally no matter how I act, and because I know it's wrong to just let my emotions rule my behavior. So I put up the facade.  Sometimes that's a good thing, if I'm having a bad day, it doesn't mean I can just stay in bed with my head under the covers all day, sometimes I have to be a grown up and go out and greet the world with the smile that I've forced onto my face.  Fake it until you make it.  But there are other times that we've convinced ourselves that our facade is the real thing and we use it as a weapon against others.  I love the Casting Crowns song Jesus, Friend of Sinners, not because it's easy to listen to, but because it's so true of me and the way that I often treat others.  I'll share some of the lyrics with you:

Jesus, Friend of sinners
We have strayed so far away
We cut down people in your name,
But the sword was never ours to swing.
Jesus, Friend of sinners,
The truth's become so hard to see
The world is on their way to you,
But they're tripping over me.

Always looking around but never looking up,
I'm so double minded
I'll play God's saint, with dirty hands, and a heart divided.

Oh Jesus, Friend of sinners,
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers.
Let our hearts be led by mercy,
Let us reach with open hearts and open doors.
Oh Jesus, Friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours.

The more I listen to this song, the more convicted I become of how, even unconsciously, I swing the sword at others around me, using Scripture and perceived holiness as a weapon instead of letting it sink into my heart and change me.  I listen to these words often to remind myself to be gracious to others as God has been gracious to me, to let my heart be broken for the hurt in the world that I see, to not judge but to love perfectly as Jesus commanded His followers to do.

In my personal walk with God, I have found far more questions than answers.  But, I have found love and I have found belonging in God and in the body of believers called His church.  Much like Google, I don't have the answers to why you were abused or why someone you love left you.  But unlike Google, I can hug you and cry with you and say I don't know but I'll pray for you and I'll listen to you.  Because sometimes we don't need an answer - we just need to be loved.

I choose to love and not be offended.

We've all met them - those people that you have to walk on egg shells around, ever careful not to "set them off". One wrong move, look, or comment and suddenly you have World War III on your hands. Exhausting, isn't it?

We've each been that person - at least once - I know I have. I'm lucky enough to have a husband (and a daughter) who call me out on that behavior. Kevin uses various tactics whereas Karis just says, "Mommy, not be mean!" I usually know I'm acting crazy, and it's so easy to blame my feelings on other people or issues and justify my attitude: "Well, I'm just tired," or "That clerk was so rude to me!" We feel like the whole world, even God, is against us. It makes us angry, defensive, mean. What is it that makes us feel that way?  Is there any way to get past this?

My reality has often been that I find myself blaming others when what I need to do - and am afraid to do - is look inward. I've always known, deep down somewhere, that the problem was mine, but I was afraid to own it. Instead, I tried to force it on others and make them own my problem.  Maybe if I pushed hard enough, I could make it their problem, not mine. I didn't realize how often I did this until I started therapy and began to listen to myself through the ears of my therapist.  Boy, did I sound like a whiny brat sometimes.  Not that I hadn't endured some tough, hurtful things - haven't we all? - but I was allowing those things to control my life. I also began to realize the difference between what was really happening and my perception of what was happening. Because of my sensitive - and ultimately my sinful - nature, I had begun to filter everything through my "hurt lens", and I had become a very selfish person. I greeted everything with, "How does this make me feel?", instead of, "How can I see this situation for what it really is? What does this person need from me? Kindness? Understanding? Truth spoken in love? Silence?" By being selfish, I got so wrapped up in my own emotions and feelings that I lost sight of how my actions could affect other people. Instead, I only focused on how other's actions were affecting me.

Sometimes all it takes is someone pointing out how ridiculous we're acting - but we can't rely on others to be our "conscience". Most times, those around us are too afraid to say anything for fear of getting ripped apart - verbally, mentally, emotionally, and perhaps even physically. I had to learn that even though I found it helpful that Kevin and Karis held me accountable for my actions, it was ultimately my responsibility, and not theirs, to hold myself accountable. God gifted his church with the Holy Spirit as a guide, but so often we tune out or turn off that channel and all we end up hearing is the noise of our own thoughts and emotions. God is not in the habit of forcing Himself on us (regardless of what the various hyper-evangelical types who would have you believe), we have to learn to listen for the quiet whisper among the earthquake, and the fire, and the wind.  Boy, was that a hard lesson to learn.  I had to actually face my emotions, hurts, and sin and deal with them.  I cried and I prayed and I hurt.  At one point, I fell to my knees beside my bed and all I could manage to utter was, "God, it hurts!  It just hurts so bad!" in between sobs.  I hurt for the pain inflicted on me by others.  I hurt for the pain I had inflicted on others.  I hurt over the things I couldn't control.  I just hurt.

It's necessary to hurt sometimes.  That's the result of our fallen, often evil, world.  Jesus came as baby, endured life as a child, adolescent, and adult, and then went willingly to the cross - even Jesus hurt.  Life just hurts.  When we lose someone or something, we grieve.  We need to grieve.  Jesus grieved over the death of Lazarus when he knew that he was going to resurrect him!  To me, this shows how Jesus was fully human and fully God - our grief does not escape God, he hurts with us. But, because he is God, he has the power to change things when we don't.  Now, often times we want God to change that other person, or the situation.  "Lord!", we say, "If so and so was just a little nicer to me, I wouldn't have to be so mean to them!"  I've found, in my short life, that God usually chooses to change us instead. After all - if we can't control others, what make us think God will just change them so our life is easier?  Jesus said quite the opposite:

 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’  But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny." - Matthew 5:21-26


Jesus never relieved his disciples of personal responsibility and he does not relieve us either.  It's all part of every person's intensely personal relationship with God.  And I do say every person because I believe that every person, at some point in their life, encounters God.  God, in his perfect love, gave humans free will - we can choose to accept him or not.  In his sovereignty, he chose to limit himself in that way so that we could experience a real relationship with him.  There are times that the choices Karis makes hurt her and they hurt me, but that's part of growing up and experiencing freedom of choice.  Not that I don't guide her and teach her, but as any parent knows, we cannot and should not fully control our children.  God does this with us too. When he gave us free will and we all ultimately chose sin over God, we took the control and decided we could do it better.  God is not going to force us to give the control back to him, he wants us to give it willingly.  This in no way means that God is not sovereign or that he isn't in control of the big picture, but it does mean that sometimes he does not intervene.  People die and we don't understand.  Something hurts us and we don't understand.  We need a reason, something or someone to blame, and often there isn't anyone or anything there.  There is just pain.

But in the midst of pain is where we find hope.

One of the things I love about God is that he doesn't leave us where we are - not when we're running after him and saying, "God, here I am!  Help!"  For some, it's a moment that leaves a lasting impression, they can tell you the time, hour, day, month, and year that they accepted him.  For others, it's a journey, a slow dance between them and God panning out over years, drawing them closer and closer until their steps fall into rhythm with his. But for each of us, it takes daily re-commitment and renewal. It's often hard to remember that only God knows the heart. We can evaluate relationships and set boundaries, we can observe the "fruit" of their life, but we shouldn't judge them, that is not our job.  Jesus also said that as long as there's a big plank in our own eye, we can't see to pluck the speck from our neighbor's eye, so I think he intends for us to be right with God before we go around evaluating and observing others.  This is why it is our job is to look inward and to seek God and invite him to change us.  Is it going to hurt?  Yes.  Are you going to come face to face with some ugly things about yourself that you'd rather keep buried?  Yes.  Is is a process that will last the rest of your life?  Yes.  Is it worth it?  A million times yes.  I have found that all that deep hurt, anger, and bitterness is gone.  Not that I don't still feel angry occasionally or get twinges of pain from old wounds, but I no longer allow it to control me.  I have been set free from that prison - the prison of anger, hatred, depression, anxiety, and almost constant irritation.

So back to my point.  When we're seeking God, this amazing thing happens - we will find that we become more like him.  It doesn't always happen in a millisecond or overnight, sometimes it takes much longer. But, we do start realize that we have a choice.  We can choose love or we can choose to be offended.  Which will you choose?

I love to hear from you, but please be courteous and respectful :)

I can't keep calm, I have anxiety.

 Many of you have seen this t-shirt on mine and other Pinterest accounts. The original can be seen here. It's funny because it seems so true to many of us. It's a clever way of telling others, "Look, I can't help it, okay?!"

I've gone throughout much of my life believing the same about myself. Anxiety runs in my family - not just worrying occasionally about a particularly stressful situation - but of the more chronic variety. When I was a child, I used to worry that when I got off the school bus, a tornado would have swept through my neighborhood, taking my house and family with it. This wasn't just a one time worry, this happened every day for many years. When I got older and was first married, I often agonized over what I would do if something happened to Kevin. I mean, I dropped out of school so we could follow his career...and him being a minster further complicated that issue...so what would I do if he died? Instead of confronting my fears head on, I would shrink into a state of misery, panic, and negativity that would last for weeks, affecting everyone around me, and promoting the bone deep self doubt I've struggled with since I was a small child. Most of all, it affected my faith. How could I claim I really trusted in God when all my thoughts and actions clearly said otherwise?

I used to cling to verses like Matthew 6:34 -

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Or how about Luke 12:25-26 -

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"

In fact, it's been proven that chronic anxiety can shorten your life, not lengthen it - even by a single hour. Great, now I have something else to worry about... I struggled and fought with these verses because I just couldn't stop worrying, it was part of my being, and more than that, it kept me "strong" in my prayer life, so worrying must actually be a good thing right? It's easy to justify our actions, but nowhere in Scripture does God say that worrying or anxiety is good. So where does that leave those of us who really can't seem to help it?

I'm happy to say I no longer struggle daily with chronic anxiety and its been such a blessing. That's not to say I don't occasionally worry about things, but through a long learning process, God taught me some things about me and about himself that helped me stop the cycle of panic and negativity. Many things figured into this process, like an antidepressant medication, but there are 3 that I specifically want to share with you and encourage you to try if you struggle with this like I do.

1) Therapy. There's a stigma attached to therapy and that holds a lot of people back from utilizing this particular tool. "Only really messed up people go to therapy, I'm not that bad..." "I don't need therapy, what if they try to hypnotize me or plant false memories?" "What if someone finds out? What will they think?" I'm not saying these fears don't have roots and are not validated, they are. Really messed up people do benefit from therapy. Total crock psychologists have ruined families with false memories. Someone may see you and start a nasty rumor. But these fears do not represent the truth. The truth is a good therapist, someone who is well educated and highly recommended, is like a doctor - they are there to help and not harm you. Most of my sessions have consisted of just talking about my life, being asked questions, and then being given some practical advice. It has opened the door to further introspection and allowed God to clean out some nasty junk piles (AKA roots of bitterness) that were taking up room in my heart - stuff I didn't realize I was still carrying around. I realized that nothing good comes from stuffing down your feelings, we NEED to process them and sometimes it hurts and it's scary, but it's so very necessary. It's scary because it means we have to become vulnerable, to open up, to admit that everything is not perfect. I mean, for crying out loud, we're Southerners, I'm pretty sure the phrase "peachy keen" started in Georgia. But let me ask you this: What if Jesus hadn't struggled and become vulnerable in the Garden of Gethsemane? What if instead, he stuffed down those feelings and decided to NOT explore the will of the Father? Honestly, we sometimes have to deal with some ugly stuff. I've had to confront some serious anger and unforgiveness on my part. I've had to learn to stop automatically throwing up my defenses. I learned that I often tried to force others to own my emotions (You're making me depressed/anxious/etc...) and that isn't right or healthy. Others may say or do things that hurt me, but I can't control them, I can only control my emotions, actions, and reactions. It's been tough, but it has changed my life. I have learned to evaluate and not to judge. To recognize the good in others and not focus on the bad or the "what ifs".

2) I also encourage you to learn about the physiology of anxiety. If you were diagnosed with cancer, wouldn't you immediately begin researching the physical effects and treatments? I read a really interesting article several months ago by a Harvard professor explaining how anxiety affects our brain physically (I have spent the past hour searching for it and I can't find it, but when I do, I'll link to it). I often found that the more worked up I would get, the less I was able to think rationally or logically about anything. It turns out that as our anxiety grows, our brain literally reroutes the blood flow from the "thinking brain" to the "feeling brain", making it physically harder to reach logical conclusions. Even though I take medication, I still struggle with these anxious or depressive thoughts, which leaves me with two choices: increase my medication or learn a different way of coping. I've found a great way to combat this is by "talking myself down", which leads me to my next tip:

3) Have a good cry, pray, and then confront your fears and conquer them. Now, I don't mean forcing yourself to go bungee jumping if you're terrified of heights - at least not before learning to properly confront your fears. One of the best ways I've learned to do this is by writing down what I'm afraid of (free association style) and then asking myself these questions: Which of these can I control? Which can I not control? How can I calm my anxiety about these things? I'll give you an example of something I went through just this morning - a major freak out about having two kids. Here's how I started:

Why am I scared?

I'm scared of not being able to handle two children - logistically, as I know I have more than enough love for them both.
I'm scared of losing one or both of my children,
I'm scared of losing myself in the midst of parenting two children.
I'm scared I'll never be able to keep the house clean.
I'm scared of the unknown.

(See how some are concrete and others are vague? That's okay, write them down anyway.)

Which of these can I control? Which can I not control? What can I do to reduce my anxiety?

I can remind myself that I have given God control of my life and that he has never failed me.
I can remind myself that he is also the God of my children. He gave them to me and called me to be their earthly mother, along with all the joy and pain that comes along with motherhood - but I must also remember that my primary goal is to lead them back to their Heavenly Father.
I can remember that I will not allow anyone to harm my children with my knowledge. No one can just take them from me without a fight. I cannot control everything that will hurt them, but God gave me eyes, ears, a brain, and an intuition - and he wants me to use them. I can trust that he will handle the rest, because again, he has never failed me.
I can read books and articles that help me understand and respond correctly to my kids, with love and grace, and discipline them in a Christ-like manner.
I can remember that the years in which my children are young and "helpless" will go by too quickly and that I must enjoy them now!
I can recognize that many of these feelings are stemming from pregnancy hormones and that I will feel normal again soon. This will probably be my last pregnancy, so I need to take a few moments here and there to enjoy the kicks and pulls and the miracle that is pregnancy and childbirth.
I can make sure that I get at least one chore done everyday and keep persevering, even when I'm tired and don't feel well. It may not be perfect, but I am improving and can be proud of that.

These three things have really helped me come a long way in getting past my fears and realizing how important it is to live in the present. I still cling to the verses above - but it's with a new outlook. I can now look to tomorrow with hope and not anxiety, because as the old hymn says, I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand.

As always, I welcome your feedback, but please keep it respectful and courteous.

Pregnancy, the eternal enigma, the ultimate oxymoron

I realized today that I'm in the 30th week of pregnancy.  I was vaguely aware of the fact that I was pregnant and that the pokes and pulls I feel in the abdominal area were the work of a precious baby boy - but when I say I realized I mean I realized.  Has this ever happened to you?  You are aware of something happening - and then suddenly it hits you like a ton of bricks.  I realized this particular ton of bricks means that I have about 10 weeks left, give or take a few days, to get "ready" for this new baby.  How is one ever really ready for such a thing?

A new experience for me in this pregnancy has been the well-known phenomenon of "nesting".  I didn't experience this with Karis (at least not to this degree), but as our life is progressing into having two children, it's become necessary for me to develop some new skills in the organization department.  I've been trying to channel this neurotic energy into forming good habits that I can keep up after the baby is here.  I've had moderate success in things like keeping the dishwasher unloaded to avoid dish pile up and doing at least one load of laundry a day to avoid laundry pile up.

Anyway, one of the things I've noticed is how I get myself all revved up to complete a task...and then 30 minutes into it, I am panting and huffing and have to sit down to catch my breath.  I've experienced a similar phenomenon with pregnancy nausea.  I have suffered from "morning sickness" as an eternal force in both of my pregnancies.  Okay, so maybe not eternal, but it's lasted WAY past 12 weeks.  Try 40 weeks of being nauseous.  Thank the Lord for Zofran.  Luckily, it's been better with this pregnancy, but it's here again that I experience the oxymoron - super hunger pangs combined with nausea.  I want to eat but food disgusts me.  I want to clean but cleaning exhausts me.  And here's a good one for you:  there's apparently a place referred to as a "dental spa".....I believe that there are certain things that just can't coexist and the words "dental" and "spa" are two of them.  "Would you like your massage before or after we drill through your skull?"

It reminds me a little of how Jesus used to drive people nuts by answering their questions with more questions or a story that made no sense.  In Matthew 12 and 13 we find an example of this. The disciples are all, "Hey Jesus, your mom and bros are outside, asking for you," and Jesus is all, "Who is my mother?  Who are my brothers?" and then points at the disciples and says "Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."  Later that same day, he told the parable about the seeds (among others) and further confused everyone.  Can you imagine the reaction the disciples and his family had to his answer?  I'm sure by this point, Mary was pretty used to Jesus and his tendency to march to the beat of his own drum (remember the Temple incident?), but I'll bet the disciples were a little bewildered as to why they had been referred to as his mother and brothers.  At least one of them probably leaned over and whispered to his neighbor, "My Mama would've KILLED me if I said that!"

The apostle Paul speaks of the same problem in Romans 7:19 -

"I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway."

Life is full of these oxymorons.  How do we handle them?  I don't really have an answer to that.  The best I can come up with is to keep pushing forward, trying to do what's right, and trusting Jesus when he says his yoke is easy and his burden is light.  It doesn't mean he'll make everything in life easy, but it does mean that when we commit these things to him and ask for help, he is always faithful to help us.  Putting on the yoke of Jesus isn't just a one time thing, it takes daily re-commitment and remembering that we are not meant to do it by ourselves.  Ask for help.  Don't be afraid to admit you can't do it all and say no when you need to, without guilt or needing to justify your actions.  Sit down and just take in the beauty around you, regardless of what "needs" to be done.  You'll be better for it.

Be heartened, dear friends, we are not alone.  That being said, I fear I must follow my own advice and go tackle the kitchen.

The language of the Creator

Have you ever heard the phrase, "I wonder as I wander"?  This describes me pretty well.  I've always wondered odd things and I'm definitely a wanderer by nature. I once asked my Dad, when I was about 4 or 5, if bugs got scared before you stepped on them.  I find myself daydreaming as I drive, wondering where all the different cars are going and the stories of the people inside them.  This particular thought occured to me when my cousin Sheree and I were on our way to get our hair done on the morning of her wedding day.  As I rode along, other cars whizzed around us.  I remember thinking, "I wonder if anyone else knows that this is her wedding day; that her beautiful white dress is laid out carefully in the backseat, waiting to be worn on one of the most important days of her life."  From here I moved on to wondering about the other people driving around.  Were they too, headed to a wedding?  Or maybe to a funeral?  Perhaps they were visiting a family member in the hospital or a loved one struggling with addiction.  Maybe they were geting ready for a party or just running errands.  The truth is you never really know what's going on with someone else unless you stop and pay attention.

The story and wonder of Santa Claus has always fascinated me. I found myself thinking this year that the jolly fellow must speak and understand a ton of different languages in order to deliver the right gifts to (almost) every kid on the planet.  That led me to thinking about the other, eternally more important immortal being, the one that encompasses most of my thoughts:  God.

I found myself wondering:

What language does God speak?

It's an interesting concept, if you think about it.  Obviously, God is ultimately the author of every language in existence by creating people and then scattering them across the globe (tower of Babel). Jesus spoke Aramaic, Hebrew, and probably Greek. But what language was the original?  What language did God use to speak the heavens and earth into existence? What language did he use to converse with Adam?  What language do infants have thoughts in, before they are verbal?  How did Helen Keller know who God was, before she learned communication?  When she was told about God, she said that she already knew who he was, she just didn't know his name. When in wondering mode, I often look to Scripture for guidance. Romans 8:26 says this:

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

This suggests to me that there is another language, an original language, and it's a language without words.  It is the language of the heart, the language of love, the language of grace and forgiveness.

So, can we still speak this language?  Does growing up and learning grammar and rules and exceptions get in the way of our true "native tongue"?  Do we use our own human language and understanding to put God in a box so that we can "handle" him?

This is why I am open to the idea on contemplative prayer.  I think that when we can quiet our own voice and mental noise and just listen, we might be surprised as to what we can hear from God.
What do you think?  What language does God speak?

As always, keep your comments courteous and respectful.  I reserve the right to not publish them if they're not appropriate.

Learning new things.

I am a seeker by nature.  I'm always looking to learn more, understand more, experience more.  I've never been one to be told "this is what you believe" and not question the "why" of it before I accepted or rejected the idea.  Now, I know everyone is not like this and I'm not claiming that it's the "only" way to be, if it was, God would've made us all this way. But I do think having an open mind and at the same time practicing good sense goes a long way in helping us to "love our neighbor as ourselves".

A wise man once told me that God isn't afraid of hard questions and that was comforting to me.  There's a difference between fearing God and perceiving fear IN God. Most of my questioning is born out of a sincere desire to know God better and Jesus often taught that the intent of the heart matters just as much, if not more, than the action that followed.  I've gone through a lot of deep personal searching and exploring through the past couple of years and what I've learned has greatly helped me.  Not being one to keep these things to myself, I hope maybe they'll help you too.

One thing I've learned recently is that I am what's called a Highly Sensitive Person.  This is not a surprise to anyone who knows me.  I am very sensitive.  I cry, a lot.  I laugh, a lot.  Some of you may have heard this term, many of you have not.  We HSP's make up about 20% of the population. We are the ones that the other 80% become exasperated with because we seem to constantly be upset or irritated or burdened by something.  We can be a little obsessive and a lot anxious. We're also the ones that the stranger in the supermarket tells their life story to within minutes of meeting us.  We often wonder if there's a blinking sign above our heads that says, "Talk to me!!!".  For me, it's been comforting to know there is indeed a reason these things happen.  The psychologist, Dr. Elaine Aron, has put years of research into the biological makeup of HSP's and the result of that research has been a turning point for understanding this way of being.  It's definitely a breath of fresh air for those of us who have been told our entire lives to "lighten up", "stop being so sensitive and emotional", or my personal favorite, "Just deal with it!".  It's not that easy for us, we can't really turn it off anymore than we can turn off breathing, it's part of our DNA. We also tend to be very sensitive to other things besides emotions, like bright lights, loud noises, crowds, and strong smells.  Kevin found it both entertaining and slightly annoying that not only could he never wear cologne when he went on a date with me, but that I also get very stressed out by things like the vaccum cleaner, hair dryer, and oven timer.  I consistently have to turn down the brightness on any screen because they're often too bright for me. Virtually anything that has to do with 5 senses can become a problem for us because we do not process stress in the way that non-HSP's do.  We often get overwhelmed because we are trying to take in every detail, process it, figure out how we feel about it, and at the same time also take in how the other person is feeling about it and process that, then figure it into our own decision making process.  Kevin refers to it as being "picky AND indecisive".  I refer to it as being "considerate of others" ;)  In our high stress society, our inability to process these things on a surface level can cause many of us to suffer various "functional" ailments, from chronic fatigue and muscle pains, to depression and anxiety disorders. They are often termed "functional disorders" because the pain is real, but the body seems healthy.

So how DO we deal with these overwhelming emotions?  It's not an easy thing to grasp or learn.  It's taken me months of therapy to realize that I'm not only a very sensitive person, but I am also a very defensive person.  I have since learned that this a common coping mechanism shared by other HSP's, though it is not a healthy one.  Since HSP's often seek out the "why" of everything we encounter, we often feel the need to defend our own "why" when we feel we might be attacked or criticized by others. We can't just say "no", we have to have what we feel is a good enough reason - and usually "I don't want to" doesn't qualify.  We can't stand to think that there is someone who doesn't like us or is angry with us and we will do anything in our power to change their mind.  Unfortunately, we often learn too late that we cannot control anyone but ourselves and often times there are things that will hurt others even though there was no sin or ill intent involved.  This is why understanding boundaries in relationships is so important to everyone, especially HSP's.

I've sat on the couch beside Kevin, more than once, crying my heart out and asking "WHY am I like this?  WHY do I have to feel everything so deeply???  I hate it!!!"  He, unfortunately, didn't have an answer for me at the time, but he has always sought to understand and support me.  He encouraged me to embark on this tough and wonderful journey of self-discovery.  He is a great example of how a non-HSP can not only survive a relationship with someone like me, but that relationship can thrive and blossom into something beautiful as well.  I've had to unlearn many habits I'd used to protect myself in years past in order to start processing reality and not just my own perceptions.  I would often project my own feelings of self-doubt onto others and try to force them to own those emotions.  Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.  We can't force anyone else to own our problems, we must learn to deal with them ourselves. While we can be hurt by another person or even go so far as to feel what they are feeling (doubt me? Look up mirror neurons), we cannot blame someone else for our own problems or inability to deal with stress. One of the most helpful things for me is learning to interpret these things as simply "neutral information" and not as "stress", and then to deal with it accordingly.  I also have to take time out, every day, sometimes several times a day, to be by myself, calm down and press my "reset" button.  I have found centering prayer and self-hypnosis to be very helpful to me, personally. Now before you have a heart attack let me clarify that I am not referring to the crazy stage show hypnosis where people cluck like chickens under some illusion (or reality) of mind control, but the true definition of hypnosis - a deep relaxation technique used to quiet the conscious mind for a while.  Let me also say that while I believe that many things, like deep relaxation and focus, are good practices for Christians in our attempts to meet with God, we must always be mindful of opening ourselves up to anything that is not of God and pray over any new practice before we begin.  It is my way of trying to "be still" and know that "He is God".

Through these many experiences, I have found an answer to my question of "Why am I like this?".  To make it simple, the answer is because God made me this way, for reasons that manifest through every part of my life.  It helps me to be a better mother, wife, church member, friend, colleague, daughter, and sister.  Psalm 139:13 puts it so eloquently:

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."

If you would like to learn more, visit Dr. Aron's website:  http://www.hsperson.com/  or visit the Wikipedia article:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highly_sensitive_person
For more information on hypnosis, go here:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypnosis

Are you an HSP or do you know someone that is?  What has helped you through this process of discovery?  I love getting and reading your comments!