This blog has become an outpouring of what's on my heart. Today, a woman named Wanda is on my heart and I want to share part of her story with you.
Just a few months after we moved to Orange Park, we met Wanda. Wanda was an older, single woman with a big, beautiful heart. She suffered from numerous health issues that kept her from working the job she loved dearly, nursing. However, she also dearly loved children and she bonded quickly with my daughter, who was just over a year old at the time.
I had begun teaching a Bible study on Wednesday mornings and needed someone to watch Karis for a couple of hours every week. Wanda offered to do so, for free, that was just who she was, but we compromised and we paid her a bit here and there, while also helping in other ways, rides to doctor's appointments or the store, etc, since she didn't drive. Through the next two years, she and Karis foraged a special bond and Wanda became a big part of our family. Even when I stopped teaching due to pregnancy, Wanda was still there, willing to give me a break from my sweet but demanding 3 year old. I never worried about Karis when she was with Wanda, and that's really saying something when a mom can not worry about her child. Every time Karis came home, she would have a new craft and a ton of stories about what she and "Deeda" did that day. We would sit in Wanda's living room, urging Karis to put on her shoes and chatting for a few minutes before we headed home. Her pack n play took up permanent residence in Wanda's apartment until she outgrew it. She would often beg to go play at Deeda's house, even when we had nothing going on and if Wanda was feeling well, she always welcomed her.
Today, around 9:30 this morning, my husband showed up unexpectedly at the house. I could tell right away something was off as he went directly to Karis and greeted her and then came in the bedroom and sat on the bed beside me, without saying much. I knew he wasn't angry and not really thinking about his silence, I began chatting about our morning when I could tell by the look on his face that wasn't why he was home and I stopped talking.
He took a deep breath and started with, "I really hate having to tell you this..."
My heart sank. I knew what was next. I don't know how or why, I just knew.
"...but Wanda died. They found her this morning."
I was shocked, but not surprised as Wanda's health had recently taken a turn for the worse. The last I'd heard from her was a voicemail a few days before. I was helping Karis and couldn't get to the phone, telling myself "If it's super important, she'll call back, she always does." The phone never rang again. Later, I listened to the voicemail and was struck by the difference of attitude I sensed in Wanda's voice but didn't put 2 and 2 together until later. She was just calling to tell me she was sick again and that she wanted to let me know and to call her back to talk when I could. Not being a big phone talker and totally lost in my own pregnant world, I took a moment to respond to her on Facebook (a normal way for us to correspond), letting her know I was sorry to hear that and we had backups for Karis in case I went into labor before she got better, but I didn't call back. I had become distracted again by my own thoughts. Was I ever going to go into labor? Was Jacob small due to just being small or was he not growing? Which backup were we going to call if I did go into labor?
While I rejoice that Wanda has now experienced the ultimate healing, I grieve that I didn't answer the phone. I grieve that I didn't call her back. I grieve that I let my own thoughts and desires cloud my intuition and showing this special woman that she was loved and cared for. I'll never get that time back.
I'm under no illusions that I could have prevented her death. I truly believe it was her time, her body was tired, as was her spirit. But perhaps I could have provided some peace and assurance that despite her problems, she was deeply loved and appreciated by many, many people. I'd told her Happy Birthday on Facebook the day before and planned to buy her a gift and drop it off with her monthly check, but I never got the chance. She was always forgiving of my scatterbrained ways, knowing that I often forgot things like that. Now, I'll never get that chance back. It seems that self-centeredness, even with a "good reason" like pregnancy, is no comfort in the face of loss.
When we told Karis, she asked if she could go play with Deeda when she got back from seeing Jesus. With tears in my eyes, I told her I wish it worked like that. She is only 3, so she doesn't yet realize the permanence of death. I don't know if she will remember her times with Wanda at all when she's older - but I do know that I will. I will remember the beautiful, loving woman who loved my baby girl without reservation when we were so far from our own families. And I will grieve the loss we feel here on Earth. I may not be able to attend her service since I'm due to have our Jacob any day now, so here are my parting words to our dearest Deeda.
Wanda - I am so sorry for the pain you endured in your life. I miss you already. Karis misses you already. You were and still are dearly loved. I rejoice that you have finally found peace and rest in the arms of your Savior and I know he greeted you with the the salutation of "good and faithful" servant. You brightened our days and most of all, you loved others in the best way you knew how. Especially your "short person friends". There's a big, giant Wanda-shaped hole left in our hearts and it will not be filled until we see you again, on the other side of this life. I hope that Jesus had a big pile of snow waiting for you when you got there. We love you and we'll miss you. I love you and I miss you. I can't believe that you're gone. I can't believe that I'll never again sit in your apartment, rolling my eyes at my crazy daughter and listening to your stories. I grieve that you didn't get to see Jacob in the flesh. I wish I had taken the time to cherish every moment just a little bit more. Life hasn't stopped, the world continues to turn, but it did get a little less brighter in our little corner.
Goodbye for now, my friend, our Deeda.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
I'm still here. By choice.
Well, it seems I've accomplished the near impossible and avoided early induction, despite being a gestational diabetic - can you believe it??? I went in for my 39 week appointment today and was surprised when there was no midwife or doctor around, just the lab girls and the sonographer. (By the way, they were totally using the flower pens I made them from my extra supplies, lol!) I had my weekly NST and ultrasound to check the placenta and all that good stuff, and as usual, everything looked fine. I've kept my blood sugar controlled with diet and haven't had any abnormal numbers, in fact, Jacob is only measuring about 7 lbs, perfectly normal size. I was told my OB would take a look at the NST and ultrasound results and if there was a problem, he'd call me. It's now close to 7PM and I've heard nothing. I called before they closed just to make sure I was good and they gave me the all clear - "Come back for your appointment Monday if you haven't gone into labor." I guess since all my numbers (weight, BP, sugars, etc) have been holding steady, there's no need to worry or mess with nature.
So how do I feel about this? Overjoyed. Terrified. Disbelieving. Wow.
Being 39 weeks pregnant is not comfortable if you're 5'2". There's like, no room left in your torso for more baby, and you sometimes feel as if you need a rolling cart for your rapidly expanding abdomen. I don't think it's very comfortable for any pregnant woman, but I seem to encounter a lot of people that just can't believe I'm still pregnant, even when I say I'm only 39 weeks. (Only?!) I guess induction really is that common? I don't know. And even more unbelievable to most is that I'm choosing to stay pregnant, I'm not one of those poor women who begged to be induced and was told no. In fact, I haven't even employed many of the "natural induction" techniques because as hard as it is, I really do believe in God's perfect timing. After last weeks appointment (in which I was told for the first time that Jacob was measuring "small" and that was scary), I was extremely emotional. While I had effaced a bit more, I hadn't dilated past a 2 or 3, and I've been having mild contractions on and off for weeks. I've been convinced, more than once, that it was "time", only to try resting and timing contractions and have them stop.
It hasn't been easy. I haven't been strong all the way. I've prayed and worried and begged and resolved and resigned and prayed some more. Most of it consisting of "God I just can't do this anymore.... but as Jesus said, not my will, but your will be done" or "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief." Sometimes it was "Seriously, Lord, this early labor thing has GOT TO STOP." But, in my heart of hearts, my biggest desire is to see how God is going to work all of this out. To look back and realize that I was in the middle of His working plan. Today, when I got to my appointment and there was no one there to tell me my progress and give me a deadline, I freaked out a bit. I had resolved to submit to a stretch and sweep to get things moving. I was ready to believe my body was broken. And no one was there to confirm that. It's like God was saying, "Will you just chill? I got this, just like you asked." And so I said, "Umm, is that you God?? Better call and make sure." So I did. And was reassured - I'm fine, Jacob is fine. And God said again, "Chill. I got this."
Many believe that before our children are born is when they are closest to God. Even David said God knit him together in his mother's womb, although I prefer to think God crocheted him.... Could it really be that God and Jacob are in cahoots and I'm just a spectator? It's an interesting thought to ponder. Kevin is convinced he will be born on Maundy Thursday. The full moon is Wednesday, so he could be right. Wouldn't it be awesome to tell Jacob the story of his birth, that he came on the day we celebrate "the mandate", the new commandment from Jesus, to love others as he loved us?
I wait with anticipation.
And, until then, yes, I'm "still here", larger than life, uncomfortable, but still joyful in being part of a modern day miracle, the birth of a child.
So how do I feel about this? Overjoyed. Terrified. Disbelieving. Wow.
Being 39 weeks pregnant is not comfortable if you're 5'2". There's like, no room left in your torso for more baby, and you sometimes feel as if you need a rolling cart for your rapidly expanding abdomen. I don't think it's very comfortable for any pregnant woman, but I seem to encounter a lot of people that just can't believe I'm still pregnant, even when I say I'm only 39 weeks. (Only?!) I guess induction really is that common? I don't know. And even more unbelievable to most is that I'm choosing to stay pregnant, I'm not one of those poor women who begged to be induced and was told no. In fact, I haven't even employed many of the "natural induction" techniques because as hard as it is, I really do believe in God's perfect timing. After last weeks appointment (in which I was told for the first time that Jacob was measuring "small" and that was scary), I was extremely emotional. While I had effaced a bit more, I hadn't dilated past a 2 or 3, and I've been having mild contractions on and off for weeks. I've been convinced, more than once, that it was "time", only to try resting and timing contractions and have them stop.
It hasn't been easy. I haven't been strong all the way. I've prayed and worried and begged and resolved and resigned and prayed some more. Most of it consisting of "God I just can't do this anymore.... but as Jesus said, not my will, but your will be done" or "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief." Sometimes it was "Seriously, Lord, this early labor thing has GOT TO STOP." But, in my heart of hearts, my biggest desire is to see how God is going to work all of this out. To look back and realize that I was in the middle of His working plan. Today, when I got to my appointment and there was no one there to tell me my progress and give me a deadline, I freaked out a bit. I had resolved to submit to a stretch and sweep to get things moving. I was ready to believe my body was broken. And no one was there to confirm that. It's like God was saying, "Will you just chill? I got this, just like you asked." And so I said, "Umm, is that you God?? Better call and make sure." So I did. And was reassured - I'm fine, Jacob is fine. And God said again, "Chill. I got this."
Many believe that before our children are born is when they are closest to God. Even David said God knit him together in his mother's womb, although I prefer to think God crocheted him.... Could it really be that God and Jacob are in cahoots and I'm just a spectator? It's an interesting thought to ponder. Kevin is convinced he will be born on Maundy Thursday. The full moon is Wednesday, so he could be right. Wouldn't it be awesome to tell Jacob the story of his birth, that he came on the day we celebrate "the mandate", the new commandment from Jesus, to love others as he loved us?
I wait with anticipation.
And, until then, yes, I'm "still here", larger than life, uncomfortable, but still joyful in being part of a modern day miracle, the birth of a child.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
And now for something completely different.
So I usually go off on my theological tangents here on the blog (hence the name) but today, I'm doing something a little different - a tutorial!
The childbirth class Kevin and I have been taking recommends taking some goodies with you to the hospital for the nurses, to thank them for their hard work. This seemed like a fun idea to me, so I asked my sister, the nurse, what would be a good treat. She told me that they love to get candy and pens. I was surprised at first, since our class recommended baked goods, but the more I thought about it, candy and pens seemed way more useful and...well...sanitary - I mean, we're are talking about nurses here. So here's what I came up with, I loved the way it turned out, so I thought I'd share with y'all!
I thought a springy Easter basket with hidden surprises would be fun, so I made the pens look like flowers. The main thing I'll concentrate on is how to make the pens, the basket and the candy are the easy part. You can use any basket and candy you like. We got our basket at World Market for $5, I liked the fun, grassy look it had. We got a huge bag of assorted candy (Hershey's brand) at BJ's for $10, and even had some leftover for our munchkin. I didn't realize until I got home that I got retractable pens instead of regular pens, so I had to get a little creative. They were bulky at first, but I tested them out and the bulk made them easier to grip, so I didn't mind it so much.
Okay, so here's the materials I used for the pens:
We have a stalk of Easter colored daisies from JoAnn (40% off! Woot! I used several stalks), a couple of retractable (or as I like to say "clicky") pens, wire cutters, and Mossy Oak duct tape. I started with floral tape, but it was sticky on both sides, so I had to find something else that I already had and the duct tape did the trick quite nicely. How Duck Dynasty of me, huh?
First I measured out the length of each flower I would need:
I marked a line parallel with the pen grip with a permanent market, making sure to leave room at the top to click the pen, and then measured out the rest as well. (You may be able to eyeball it.) Then came the wire cutters!
I would recommend actual wire cutters and not just scissors because the middle of the stem is fairly thick wire and while scissor will cut it, they'll never be the same afterwards. After I cut the flowers, I got my tape ready to go and lined up the flower stem next to the pen. I put the clip part right up next to the flower stem to reduce the bulk and started taping from the top down, winding at a slight angle.
Once I got to the pen grip, I wrapped only until the plastic part of the pen started to taper, then cut the tape and pressed it into place.
It's as simple as that! I did the rest of the pens, then used the candy in the basket as a foundation to hold them in place.
Here's the finished product:
I hope the nurses love it!
The childbirth class Kevin and I have been taking recommends taking some goodies with you to the hospital for the nurses, to thank them for their hard work. This seemed like a fun idea to me, so I asked my sister, the nurse, what would be a good treat. She told me that they love to get candy and pens. I was surprised at first, since our class recommended baked goods, but the more I thought about it, candy and pens seemed way more useful and...well...sanitary - I mean, we're are talking about nurses here. So here's what I came up with, I loved the way it turned out, so I thought I'd share with y'all!
I thought a springy Easter basket with hidden surprises would be fun, so I made the pens look like flowers. The main thing I'll concentrate on is how to make the pens, the basket and the candy are the easy part. You can use any basket and candy you like. We got our basket at World Market for $5, I liked the fun, grassy look it had. We got a huge bag of assorted candy (Hershey's brand) at BJ's for $10, and even had some leftover for our munchkin. I didn't realize until I got home that I got retractable pens instead of regular pens, so I had to get a little creative. They were bulky at first, but I tested them out and the bulk made them easier to grip, so I didn't mind it so much.
Okay, so here's the materials I used for the pens:
We have a stalk of Easter colored daisies from JoAnn (40% off! Woot! I used several stalks), a couple of retractable (or as I like to say "clicky") pens, wire cutters, and Mossy Oak duct tape. I started with floral tape, but it was sticky on both sides, so I had to find something else that I already had and the duct tape did the trick quite nicely. How Duck Dynasty of me, huh?
First I measured out the length of each flower I would need:
Once I got to the pen grip, I wrapped only until the plastic part of the pen started to taper, then cut the tape and pressed it into place.
Here's the finished product:
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Perfectly awful timing.
Well folks, we're in the final countdown. From the information I'm getting at my now weekly OB appointments, it's not going to be long until this baby boy is here in the flesh. Could be Easter, could be earlier, probably won't be later though. By the way, if you haven't heard, his name is Jacob.
So, how does that make me feel?
A mixture of emotions, really. Overall, I am ready and I am calm. I cannot wait to meet my Jacob. I talk to him all the time, telling him how welcome he is, how much we love him, how much we can't wait to meet him. I have to go for weekly NST's now that I have gestational diabetes and I got to experience something really cool yesterday - every time I would direct my thoughts to him (I personally believe Mom and baby are connected on levels that far surpass spoken language), his heart rate would go up! It was like physical proof that he could feel that connection. I've spent far too much of this pregnancy being worried and anxious, afraid to get too close to him for fear of losing him, so I'm glad to finally be feeling confident and happy and connected to him.
Now, I don't necessarily feel these positive things because my house and logistics of having another kid are ready - they're not. Most of it's a total mess, I'm not sure exactly where he's going to sleep or how his clothes are going to fit in half of Karis' dresser, or why we thought it was a good idea to look into moving into a bigger house in a couple of months with a newborn and a 3 1/2 year old - but for whatever reason, none of that is bothering me that much lately. Why? Because I've learned that I have to trust in God's timing. There is simply no other option. God's timing is perfect. But sometimes, it's also perfectly awful. It's no secret that I went through deep deep struggles after my pregnancy and delivery with Karis. I was floored when I found out I was pregnant again. I was scared...no, that's not strong enough... I was abhorrently terrified. I just knew I couldn't do it again. But what choice did I have? I prayed "Why, God, why?". And you know what he said? "Because you asked for it."
You see, I've really been learning a lot about prayer lately. Kevin mentioned in a sermon, months ago, that sometimes Christians find it easy to pray because we don't really think God is going to answer us. Think about that for a minute. So many things we pray are pretty human-understanding based. We ask God to heal someone and then they die and we think "Well, what good is prayer anyway... it was just God's will that they died..." And maybe it was. Or maybe it was the result of an awful accident and it wasn't part of God's perfect will, but nevertheless, it still happened. (Andrea, did you really just say that? Yes, yes I did.) Those of us who are pretty devout to our faith keep praying anyway, but a lot of times it's born out of anxiety or fear, not faith. We're not sure how to handle things in a faithful way because so often we don't know what God actually thinks or says about certain issues, so we just pray to ease our minds and go about our business. Are you guilty of this? Boy, I am. But when you start studying how Jesus taught us to pray, you suddenly begin to realize some things about prayer. First of all, you don't have to butter God up. Jesus said acknowledging his holiness was enough. Because that's so easy - you know, truly humbling yourself before God and realizing that he is HOLY. Piece of cake, right? Yeah, right. So, once you get past that, you can then go on to pray that his Kingdom would come and be completed and that his will would be done on earth as it is in heaven. Wait - what?? So I'm praying that God's will be done in my life as perfectly as it would be if it happened in heaven? So, basically, I'm just giving up all control??? So, you would think Jesus would give us a break here - but no, he goes on to teach us to pray for daily bread - not just the physical stuff but the spiritual bread that keeps our soul alive. Like reading his word and struggling with doubts and questions and clinging to him to know the truth. Desperately seeking and asking for him even when your whole world is falling apart. Okay, so what am I getting out of this God? Forgiveness. But wait, not just any forgiveness - no - forgiveness like I give to others. Ouch.
I can see why people don't like to pray this prayer. I don't remember ever praying it out loud growing up. That doesn't mean that we didn't do it, just that it wasn't common enough to remember. Sure, we claim it can be just vain repetition, and it certainly can - but so can every other kind prayer! When you pray over your food, are you really thankful, or are you just doing it because it's the right thing to do or it's what you always do? I think a deeper reason we don't like the Lord's Prayer is because it removes OUR specifics and replaces them with GOD'S specifics. It's communication, it's a relationship based on trust and freedom of choice and then realizing that freedom can be scary and awful sometimes and leaning on our own understanding doesn't work. To pray the Lord's Prayer with honestly and conviction means to take on responsibility for our choices and to pray for God's leading in every choice. We are no longer able to "blame God" when things go wrong in our lives because we know deep down that we're trying to live inside his will and we know sin is still a powerful force in our world - God has conquered sin, but he has not removed it. The kingdom isn't complete yet. We hear "everything happens for a reason" and sometimes that "reason" is because we or someone else made a careless decision and now we all have to live with the consequences. Sometimes, there is no reason at all. Sorry folks, the phrase "everything happens for a reason" is not actually in the Bible. People will try desperately to make it say that, but they're totally missing the point. Again - ouch.
Karis was very much God's grace through my own plan for my life. I wanted a child, so we planned that. Pregnancy was rough, delivery was rough, I was scarred and never wanted to do it again. In the midst of this pain, I had an unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage. I definitely didn't ask for that and that produced more pain and scars. If you're a big believer in the idea of "God causes everything", tell me the "reason" for my miscarriage. Tell me the reason that I couldn't bond with Jacob due to fear that I would lose him too. The only ones who will try are the ones who have either never experienced that kind of pain or believe in a different God. Now, I'm not saying that God didn't use that situation to teach me about his grace, he did, but you will never convince me that he caused it to happen just to teach me a lesson. I really don't think God is that petty. I am a sinful human being and I would never, ever wish miscarriage or losing a child on anyone. Not even Hitler or bin Laden. Again, I'm not saying God can't or won't use situations or circumstances in order to draw us closer to him (Romans 8:28!!!), but to say he causes them for that or any other reason is a whole 'nother thing entirely and I think you need to check yourself before you start proclaiming you know the mind of God to hurting people. Free-will is a difficult thing, my friends.
As a result of these fears and scars, I had many conversations with God that went kind of like this: "Okay God, I am NOT HAVING ANOTHER KID. Just wanted to get that straight. But...I do want to live deeply inside your will and in my heart of hearts, I really want nothing more than for you to be in control of my life. But seriously, don't want another kid. I just can't handle that pain again."
I laugh when people give me yet another "biblical" cliche, that God won't give you more than you can handle. I understand where they're coming from and where the idea came from, but in my experience, we often have no idea what we can handle, so how do we know that's a fact? Our idea of that is very different from God's. When I found out I was pregnant with Jacob, I said "God, NO! I can't HANDLE this!!!" And God said, "My grace is sufficient." When I had horrible back pain (kidney stone) and was sent to the hospital by my OB office and I was convinced I was miscarrying Jacob, I said, "God, NO! I can't HANDLE this!!" And God said, "My grace is sufficient." When I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, I said, "God, okay seriously. I cannot handle this. I can't." And God said, "My grace is sufficient." When I started to get scared about labor and delivery, I said, "God, I feel really scared. But your grace is sufficient. Lord, help my unbelief." And you know what? He did.
I look back over this pregnancy and I see God's hand all the way through it. God's perfect and perfectly awful timing. God never promised to remove circumstances or consequences or prevent bad things from happening. He never promised to do everything our way. He never promised easy. He promised sufficient grace. He promised to provide for our needs and give us abundant life. He sends a friend who offers the swing, bouncer, and carrier set they bought for their granddaughter that she's now outgrown. He sends another friend who had a big baby and sent you all the newborn clothes he never got to wear. He sends a church member who heard that shipping the handmade cradle from Texas to Florida was something we couldn't afford, so they did it for us. He sends us grace. Amazing, unfathomable, undeniable, unrelenting, marvelous, match-less grace. Not always answers - grace. Divine grace. In Greek, it's χάρις, pronounced Charis. (Sound familiar?)
Oh God, you are so gracious. Your grace is sufficient. Thank you.
 |
| Here he is at 35 weeks, 1 day! |
So, how does that make me feel?
A mixture of emotions, really. Overall, I am ready and I am calm. I cannot wait to meet my Jacob. I talk to him all the time, telling him how welcome he is, how much we love him, how much we can't wait to meet him. I have to go for weekly NST's now that I have gestational diabetes and I got to experience something really cool yesterday - every time I would direct my thoughts to him (I personally believe Mom and baby are connected on levels that far surpass spoken language), his heart rate would go up! It was like physical proof that he could feel that connection. I've spent far too much of this pregnancy being worried and anxious, afraid to get too close to him for fear of losing him, so I'm glad to finally be feeling confident and happy and connected to him.
Now, I don't necessarily feel these positive things because my house and logistics of having another kid are ready - they're not. Most of it's a total mess, I'm not sure exactly where he's going to sleep or how his clothes are going to fit in half of Karis' dresser, or why we thought it was a good idea to look into moving into a bigger house in a couple of months with a newborn and a 3 1/2 year old - but for whatever reason, none of that is bothering me that much lately. Why? Because I've learned that I have to trust in God's timing. There is simply no other option. God's timing is perfect. But sometimes, it's also perfectly awful. It's no secret that I went through deep deep struggles after my pregnancy and delivery with Karis. I was floored when I found out I was pregnant again. I was scared...no, that's not strong enough... I was abhorrently terrified. I just knew I couldn't do it again. But what choice did I have? I prayed "Why, God, why?". And you know what he said? "Because you asked for it."
You see, I've really been learning a lot about prayer lately. Kevin mentioned in a sermon, months ago, that sometimes Christians find it easy to pray because we don't really think God is going to answer us. Think about that for a minute. So many things we pray are pretty human-understanding based. We ask God to heal someone and then they die and we think "Well, what good is prayer anyway... it was just God's will that they died..." And maybe it was. Or maybe it was the result of an awful accident and it wasn't part of God's perfect will, but nevertheless, it still happened. (Andrea, did you really just say that? Yes, yes I did.) Those of us who are pretty devout to our faith keep praying anyway, but a lot of times it's born out of anxiety or fear, not faith. We're not sure how to handle things in a faithful way because so often we don't know what God actually thinks or says about certain issues, so we just pray to ease our minds and go about our business. Are you guilty of this? Boy, I am. But when you start studying how Jesus taught us to pray, you suddenly begin to realize some things about prayer. First of all, you don't have to butter God up. Jesus said acknowledging his holiness was enough. Because that's so easy - you know, truly humbling yourself before God and realizing that he is HOLY. Piece of cake, right? Yeah, right. So, once you get past that, you can then go on to pray that his Kingdom would come and be completed and that his will would be done on earth as it is in heaven. Wait - what?? So I'm praying that God's will be done in my life as perfectly as it would be if it happened in heaven? So, basically, I'm just giving up all control??? So, you would think Jesus would give us a break here - but no, he goes on to teach us to pray for daily bread - not just the physical stuff but the spiritual bread that keeps our soul alive. Like reading his word and struggling with doubts and questions and clinging to him to know the truth. Desperately seeking and asking for him even when your whole world is falling apart. Okay, so what am I getting out of this God? Forgiveness. But wait, not just any forgiveness - no - forgiveness like I give to others. Ouch.
I can see why people don't like to pray this prayer. I don't remember ever praying it out loud growing up. That doesn't mean that we didn't do it, just that it wasn't common enough to remember. Sure, we claim it can be just vain repetition, and it certainly can - but so can every other kind prayer! When you pray over your food, are you really thankful, or are you just doing it because it's the right thing to do or it's what you always do? I think a deeper reason we don't like the Lord's Prayer is because it removes OUR specifics and replaces them with GOD'S specifics. It's communication, it's a relationship based on trust and freedom of choice and then realizing that freedom can be scary and awful sometimes and leaning on our own understanding doesn't work. To pray the Lord's Prayer with honestly and conviction means to take on responsibility for our choices and to pray for God's leading in every choice. We are no longer able to "blame God" when things go wrong in our lives because we know deep down that we're trying to live inside his will and we know sin is still a powerful force in our world - God has conquered sin, but he has not removed it. The kingdom isn't complete yet. We hear "everything happens for a reason" and sometimes that "reason" is because we or someone else made a careless decision and now we all have to live with the consequences. Sometimes, there is no reason at all. Sorry folks, the phrase "everything happens for a reason" is not actually in the Bible. People will try desperately to make it say that, but they're totally missing the point. Again - ouch.
Karis was very much God's grace through my own plan for my life. I wanted a child, so we planned that. Pregnancy was rough, delivery was rough, I was scarred and never wanted to do it again. In the midst of this pain, I had an unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage. I definitely didn't ask for that and that produced more pain and scars. If you're a big believer in the idea of "God causes everything", tell me the "reason" for my miscarriage. Tell me the reason that I couldn't bond with Jacob due to fear that I would lose him too. The only ones who will try are the ones who have either never experienced that kind of pain or believe in a different God. Now, I'm not saying that God didn't use that situation to teach me about his grace, he did, but you will never convince me that he caused it to happen just to teach me a lesson. I really don't think God is that petty. I am a sinful human being and I would never, ever wish miscarriage or losing a child on anyone. Not even Hitler or bin Laden. Again, I'm not saying God can't or won't use situations or circumstances in order to draw us closer to him (Romans 8:28!!!), but to say he causes them for that or any other reason is a whole 'nother thing entirely and I think you need to check yourself before you start proclaiming you know the mind of God to hurting people. Free-will is a difficult thing, my friends.
As a result of these fears and scars, I had many conversations with God that went kind of like this: "Okay God, I am NOT HAVING ANOTHER KID. Just wanted to get that straight. But...I do want to live deeply inside your will and in my heart of hearts, I really want nothing more than for you to be in control of my life. But seriously, don't want another kid. I just can't handle that pain again."
I laugh when people give me yet another "biblical" cliche, that God won't give you more than you can handle. I understand where they're coming from and where the idea came from, but in my experience, we often have no idea what we can handle, so how do we know that's a fact? Our idea of that is very different from God's. When I found out I was pregnant with Jacob, I said "God, NO! I can't HANDLE this!!!" And God said, "My grace is sufficient." When I had horrible back pain (kidney stone) and was sent to the hospital by my OB office and I was convinced I was miscarrying Jacob, I said, "God, NO! I can't HANDLE this!!" And God said, "My grace is sufficient." When I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, I said, "God, okay seriously. I cannot handle this. I can't." And God said, "My grace is sufficient." When I started to get scared about labor and delivery, I said, "God, I feel really scared. But your grace is sufficient. Lord, help my unbelief." And you know what? He did.
I look back over this pregnancy and I see God's hand all the way through it. God's perfect and perfectly awful timing. God never promised to remove circumstances or consequences or prevent bad things from happening. He never promised to do everything our way. He never promised easy. He promised sufficient grace. He promised to provide for our needs and give us abundant life. He sends a friend who offers the swing, bouncer, and carrier set they bought for their granddaughter that she's now outgrown. He sends another friend who had a big baby and sent you all the newborn clothes he never got to wear. He sends a church member who heard that shipping the handmade cradle from Texas to Florida was something we couldn't afford, so they did it for us. He sends us grace. Amazing, unfathomable, undeniable, unrelenting, marvelous, match-less grace. Not always answers - grace. Divine grace. In Greek, it's χάρις, pronounced Charis. (Sound familiar?)
Oh God, you are so gracious. Your grace is sufficient. Thank you.
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