I am a seeker by nature. I'm always looking to learn more, understand more, experience more. I've never been one to be told "this is what you believe" and not question the "why" of it before I accepted or rejected the idea. Now, I know everyone is not like this and I'm not claiming that it's the "only" way to be, if it was, God would've made us all this way. But I do think having an open mind and at the same time practicing good sense goes a long way in helping us to "love our neighbor as ourselves".
A wise man once told me that God isn't afraid of hard questions and that was comforting to me. There's a difference between fearing God and perceiving fear IN God. Most of my questioning is born out of a sincere desire to know God better and Jesus often taught that the intent of the heart matters just as much, if not more, than the action that followed. I've gone through a lot of deep personal searching and exploring through the past couple of years and what I've learned has greatly helped me. Not being one to keep these things to myself, I hope maybe they'll help you too.
One thing I've learned recently is that I am what's called a Highly Sensitive Person. This is not a surprise to anyone who knows me. I am very sensitive. I cry, a lot. I laugh, a lot. Some of you may have heard this term, many of you have not. We HSP's make up about 20% of the population. We are the ones that the other 80% become exasperated with because we seem to constantly be upset or irritated or burdened by something. We can be a little obsessive and a lot anxious. We're also the ones that the stranger in the supermarket tells their life story to within minutes of meeting us. We often wonder if there's a blinking sign above our heads that says, "Talk to me!!!". For me, it's been comforting to know there is indeed a reason these things happen. The psychologist, Dr. Elaine Aron, has put years of research into the biological makeup of HSP's and the result of that research has been a turning point for understanding this way of being. It's definitely a breath of fresh air for those of us who have been told our entire lives to "lighten up", "stop being so sensitive and emotional", or my personal favorite, "Just deal with it!". It's not that easy for us, we can't really turn it off anymore than we can turn off breathing, it's part of our DNA. We also tend to be very sensitive to other things besides emotions, like bright lights, loud noises, crowds, and strong smells. Kevin found it both entertaining and slightly annoying that not only could he never wear cologne when he went on a date with me, but that I also get very stressed out by things like the vaccum cleaner, hair dryer, and oven timer. I consistently have to turn down the brightness on any screen because they're often too bright for me. Virtually anything that has to do with 5 senses can become a problem for us because we do not process stress in the way that non-HSP's do. We often get overwhelmed because we are trying to take in every detail, process it, figure out how we feel about it, and at the same time also take in how the other person is feeling about it and process that, then figure it into our own decision making process. Kevin refers to it as being "picky AND indecisive". I refer to it as being "considerate of others" ;) In our high stress society, our inability to process these things on a surface level can cause many of us to suffer various "functional" ailments, from chronic fatigue and muscle pains, to depression and anxiety disorders. They are often termed "functional disorders" because the pain is real, but the body seems healthy.
So how DO we deal with these overwhelming emotions? It's not an easy thing to grasp or learn. It's taken me months of therapy to realize that I'm not only a very sensitive person, but I am also a very defensive person. I have since learned that this a common coping mechanism shared by other HSP's, though it is not a healthy one. Since HSP's often seek out the "why" of everything we encounter, we often feel the need to defend our own "why" when we feel we might be attacked or criticized by others. We can't just say "no", we have to have what we feel is a good enough reason - and usually "I don't want to" doesn't qualify. We can't stand to think that there is someone who doesn't like us or is angry with us and we will do anything in our power to change their mind. Unfortunately, we often learn too late that we cannot control anyone but ourselves and often times there are things that will hurt others even though there was no sin or ill intent involved. This is why understanding boundaries in relationships is so important to everyone, especially HSP's.
I've sat on the couch beside Kevin, more than once, crying my heart out and asking "WHY am I like this? WHY do I have to feel everything so deeply??? I hate it!!!" He, unfortunately, didn't have an answer for me at the time, but he has always sought to understand and support me. He encouraged me to embark on this tough and wonderful journey of self-discovery. He is a great example of how a non-HSP can not only survive a relationship with someone like me, but that relationship can thrive and blossom into something beautiful as well. I've had to unlearn many habits I'd used to protect myself in years past in order to start processing reality and not just my own perceptions. I would often project my own feelings of self-doubt onto others and try to force them to own those emotions. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. We can't force anyone else to own our problems, we must learn to deal with them ourselves. While we can be hurt by another person or even go so far as to feel what they are feeling (doubt me? Look up mirror neurons), we cannot blame someone else for our own problems or inability to deal with stress. One of the most helpful things for me is learning to interpret these things as simply "neutral information" and not as "stress", and then to deal with it accordingly. I also have to take time out, every day, sometimes several times a day, to be by myself, calm down and press my "reset" button. I have found centering prayer and self-hypnosis to be very helpful to me, personally. Now before you have a heart attack let me clarify that I am not referring to the crazy stage show hypnosis where people cluck like chickens under some illusion (or reality) of mind control, but the true definition of hypnosis - a deep relaxation technique used to quiet the conscious mind for a while. Let me also say that while I believe that many things, like deep relaxation and focus, are good practices for Christians in our attempts to meet with God, we must always be mindful of opening ourselves up to anything that is not of God and pray over any new practice before we begin. It is my way of trying to "be still" and know that "He is God".
Through these many experiences, I have found an answer to my question of "Why am I like this?". To make it simple, the answer is because God made me this way, for reasons that manifest through every part of my life. It helps me to be a better mother, wife, church member, friend, colleague, daughter, and sister. Psalm 139:13 puts it so eloquently:
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."
If you would like to learn more, visit Dr. Aron's website: http://www.hsperson.com/ or visit the Wikipedia article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highly_sensitive_person
For more information on hypnosis, go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypnosis
Are you an HSP or do you know someone that is? What has helped you through this process of discovery? I love getting and reading your comments!
A wise man once told me that God isn't afraid of hard questions and that was comforting to me. There's a difference between fearing God and perceiving fear IN God. Most of my questioning is born out of a sincere desire to know God better and Jesus often taught that the intent of the heart matters just as much, if not more, than the action that followed. I've gone through a lot of deep personal searching and exploring through the past couple of years and what I've learned has greatly helped me. Not being one to keep these things to myself, I hope maybe they'll help you too.
One thing I've learned recently is that I am what's called a Highly Sensitive Person. This is not a surprise to anyone who knows me. I am very sensitive. I cry, a lot. I laugh, a lot. Some of you may have heard this term, many of you have not. We HSP's make up about 20% of the population. We are the ones that the other 80% become exasperated with because we seem to constantly be upset or irritated or burdened by something. We can be a little obsessive and a lot anxious. We're also the ones that the stranger in the supermarket tells their life story to within minutes of meeting us. We often wonder if there's a blinking sign above our heads that says, "Talk to me!!!". For me, it's been comforting to know there is indeed a reason these things happen. The psychologist, Dr. Elaine Aron, has put years of research into the biological makeup of HSP's and the result of that research has been a turning point for understanding this way of being. It's definitely a breath of fresh air for those of us who have been told our entire lives to "lighten up", "stop being so sensitive and emotional", or my personal favorite, "Just deal with it!". It's not that easy for us, we can't really turn it off anymore than we can turn off breathing, it's part of our DNA. We also tend to be very sensitive to other things besides emotions, like bright lights, loud noises, crowds, and strong smells. Kevin found it both entertaining and slightly annoying that not only could he never wear cologne when he went on a date with me, but that I also get very stressed out by things like the vaccum cleaner, hair dryer, and oven timer. I consistently have to turn down the brightness on any screen because they're often too bright for me. Virtually anything that has to do with 5 senses can become a problem for us because we do not process stress in the way that non-HSP's do. We often get overwhelmed because we are trying to take in every detail, process it, figure out how we feel about it, and at the same time also take in how the other person is feeling about it and process that, then figure it into our own decision making process. Kevin refers to it as being "picky AND indecisive". I refer to it as being "considerate of others" ;) In our high stress society, our inability to process these things on a surface level can cause many of us to suffer various "functional" ailments, from chronic fatigue and muscle pains, to depression and anxiety disorders. They are often termed "functional disorders" because the pain is real, but the body seems healthy.
So how DO we deal with these overwhelming emotions? It's not an easy thing to grasp or learn. It's taken me months of therapy to realize that I'm not only a very sensitive person, but I am also a very defensive person. I have since learned that this a common coping mechanism shared by other HSP's, though it is not a healthy one. Since HSP's often seek out the "why" of everything we encounter, we often feel the need to defend our own "why" when we feel we might be attacked or criticized by others. We can't just say "no", we have to have what we feel is a good enough reason - and usually "I don't want to" doesn't qualify. We can't stand to think that there is someone who doesn't like us or is angry with us and we will do anything in our power to change their mind. Unfortunately, we often learn too late that we cannot control anyone but ourselves and often times there are things that will hurt others even though there was no sin or ill intent involved. This is why understanding boundaries in relationships is so important to everyone, especially HSP's.
I've sat on the couch beside Kevin, more than once, crying my heart out and asking "WHY am I like this? WHY do I have to feel everything so deeply??? I hate it!!!" He, unfortunately, didn't have an answer for me at the time, but he has always sought to understand and support me. He encouraged me to embark on this tough and wonderful journey of self-discovery. He is a great example of how a non-HSP can not only survive a relationship with someone like me, but that relationship can thrive and blossom into something beautiful as well. I've had to unlearn many habits I'd used to protect myself in years past in order to start processing reality and not just my own perceptions. I would often project my own feelings of self-doubt onto others and try to force them to own those emotions. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. We can't force anyone else to own our problems, we must learn to deal with them ourselves. While we can be hurt by another person or even go so far as to feel what they are feeling (doubt me? Look up mirror neurons), we cannot blame someone else for our own problems or inability to deal with stress. One of the most helpful things for me is learning to interpret these things as simply "neutral information" and not as "stress", and then to deal with it accordingly. I also have to take time out, every day, sometimes several times a day, to be by myself, calm down and press my "reset" button. I have found centering prayer and self-hypnosis to be very helpful to me, personally. Now before you have a heart attack let me clarify that I am not referring to the crazy stage show hypnosis where people cluck like chickens under some illusion (or reality) of mind control, but the true definition of hypnosis - a deep relaxation technique used to quiet the conscious mind for a while. Let me also say that while I believe that many things, like deep relaxation and focus, are good practices for Christians in our attempts to meet with God, we must always be mindful of opening ourselves up to anything that is not of God and pray over any new practice before we begin. It is my way of trying to "be still" and know that "He is God".
Through these many experiences, I have found an answer to my question of "Why am I like this?". To make it simple, the answer is because God made me this way, for reasons that manifest through every part of my life. It helps me to be a better mother, wife, church member, friend, colleague, daughter, and sister. Psalm 139:13 puts it so eloquently:
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."
If you would like to learn more, visit Dr. Aron's website: http://www.hsperson.com/ or visit the Wikipedia article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highly_sensitive_person
For more information on hypnosis, go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypnosis
Are you an HSP or do you know someone that is? What has helped you through this process of discovery? I love getting and reading your comments!
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