We've all met them - those people that you have to walk on egg shells around, ever careful not to "set them off". One wrong move, look, or comment and suddenly you have World War III on your hands. Exhausting, isn't it?
We've each been that person - at least once - I know I have. I'm lucky enough to have a husband (and a daughter) who call me out on that behavior. Kevin uses various tactics whereas Karis just says, "Mommy, not be mean!" I usually know I'm acting crazy, and it's so easy to blame my feelings on other people or issues and justify my attitude: "Well, I'm just tired," or "That clerk was so rude to me!" We feel like the whole world, even God, is against us. It makes us angry, defensive, mean. What is it that makes us feel that way? Is there any way to get past this?
My reality has often been that I find myself blaming others when what I need to do - and am afraid to do - is look inward. I've always known, deep down somewhere, that the problem was mine, but I was afraid to own it. Instead, I tried to force it on others and make them own my problem. Maybe if I pushed hard enough, I could make it their problem, not mine. I didn't realize how often I did this until I started therapy and began to listen to myself through the ears of my therapist. Boy, did I sound like a whiny brat sometimes. Not that I hadn't endured some tough, hurtful things - haven't we all? - but I was allowing those things to control my life. I also began to realize the difference between what was really happening and my perception of what was happening. Because of my sensitive - and ultimately my sinful - nature, I had begun to filter everything through my "hurt lens", and I had become a very selfish person. I greeted everything with, "How does this make me feel?", instead of, "How can I see this situation for what it really is? What does this person need from me? Kindness? Understanding? Truth spoken in love? Silence?" By being selfish, I got so wrapped up in my own emotions and feelings that I lost sight of how my actions could affect other people. Instead, I only focused on how other's actions were affecting me.
Sometimes all it takes is someone pointing out how ridiculous we're acting - but we can't rely on others to be our "conscience". Most times, those around us are too afraid to say anything for fear of getting ripped apart - verbally, mentally, emotionally, and perhaps even physically. I had to learn that even though I found it helpful that Kevin and Karis held me accountable for my actions, it was ultimately my responsibility, and not theirs, to hold myself accountable. God gifted his church with the Holy Spirit as a guide, but so often we tune out or turn off that channel and all we end up hearing is the noise of our own thoughts and emotions. God is not in the habit of forcing Himself on us (regardless of what the various hyper-evangelical types who would have you believe), we have to learn to listen for the quiet whisper among the earthquake, and the fire, and the wind. Boy, was that a hard lesson to learn. I had to actually face my emotions, hurts, and sin and deal with them. I cried and I prayed and I hurt. At one point, I fell to my knees beside my bed and all I could manage to utter was, "God, it hurts! It just hurts so bad!" in between sobs. I hurt for the pain inflicted on me by others. I hurt for the pain I had inflicted on others. I hurt over the things I couldn't control. I just hurt.
It's necessary to hurt sometimes. That's the result of our fallen, often evil, world. Jesus came as baby, endured life as a child, adolescent, and adult, and then went willingly to the cross - even Jesus hurt. Life just hurts. When we lose someone or something, we grieve. We need to grieve. Jesus grieved over the death of Lazarus when he knew that he was going to resurrect him! To me, this shows how Jesus was fully human and fully God - our grief does not escape God, he hurts with us. But, because he is God, he has the power to change things when we don't. Now, often times we want God to change that other person, or the situation. "Lord!", we say, "If so and so was just a little nicer to me, I wouldn't have to be so mean to them!" I've found, in my short life, that God usually chooses to change us instead. After all - if we can't control others, what make us think God will just change them so our life is easier? Jesus said quite the opposite:
“You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. Settle
matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it
while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you
over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and
you may be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny." - Matthew 5:21-26
Jesus never relieved his disciples of personal responsibility and he does not relieve us either. It's all part of every person's intensely personal relationship with God. And I do say every person because I believe that every person, at some point in their life, encounters God. God, in his perfect love, gave humans free will - we can choose to accept him or not. In his sovereignty, he chose to limit himself in that way so that we could experience a real relationship with him. There are times that the choices Karis makes hurt her and they hurt me, but that's part of growing up and experiencing freedom of choice. Not that I don't guide her and teach her, but as any parent knows, we cannot and should not fully control our children. God does this with us too. When he gave us free will and we all ultimately chose sin over God, we took the control and decided we could do it better. God is not going to force us to give the control back to him, he wants us to give it willingly. This in no way means that God is not sovereign or that he isn't in control of the big picture, but it does mean that sometimes he does not intervene. People die and we don't understand. Something hurts us and we don't understand. We need a reason, something or someone to blame, and often there isn't anyone or anything there. There is just pain.
But in the midst of pain is where we find hope.
One of the things I love about God is that he doesn't leave us where we are - not when we're running after him and saying, "God, here I am! Help!" For some, it's a moment that leaves a lasting impression, they can tell you the time, hour, day, month, and year that they accepted him. For others, it's a journey, a slow dance between them and God panning out over years, drawing them closer and closer until their steps fall into rhythm with his. But for each of us, it takes daily re-commitment and renewal. It's often hard to remember that only God knows the heart. We can evaluate relationships and set boundaries, we can observe the "fruit" of their life, but we shouldn't judge them, that is not our job. Jesus also said that as long as there's a big plank in our own eye, we can't see to pluck the speck from our neighbor's eye, so I think he intends for us to be right with God before we go around evaluating and observing others. This is why it is our job is to look inward and to seek God and invite him to change us. Is it going to hurt? Yes. Are you going to come face to face with some ugly things about yourself that you'd rather keep buried? Yes. Is is a process that will last the rest of your life? Yes. Is it worth it? A million times yes. I have found that all that deep hurt, anger, and bitterness is gone. Not that I don't still feel angry occasionally or get twinges of pain from old wounds, but I no longer allow it to control me. I have been set free from that prison - the prison of anger, hatred, depression, anxiety, and almost constant irritation.
So back to my point. When we're seeking God, this amazing thing happens - we will find that we become more like him. It doesn't always happen in a millisecond or overnight, sometimes it takes much longer. But, we do start realize that we have a choice. We can choose love or we can choose to be offended. Which will you choose?
I love to hear from you, but please be courteous and respectful :)
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