Perfectly awful timing.

Well folks, we're in the final countdown.  From the information I'm getting at my now weekly OB appointments, it's not going to be long until this baby boy is here in the flesh.  Could be Easter, could be earlier, probably won't be later though.  By the way, if you haven't heard, his name is Jacob.

Here he is at 35 weeks, 1 day!

So, how does that make me feel?

A mixture of emotions, really.  Overall, I am ready and I am calm.  I cannot wait to meet my Jacob.  I talk to him all the time, telling him how welcome he is, how much we love him, how much we can't wait to meet him.  I have to go for weekly NST's now that I have gestational diabetes and I got to experience something really cool yesterday - every time I would direct my thoughts to him (I personally believe Mom and baby are connected on levels that far surpass spoken language), his heart rate would go up!  It was like physical proof that he could feel that connection.  I've spent far too much of this pregnancy being worried and anxious, afraid to get too close to him for fear of losing him, so I'm glad to finally be feeling confident and happy and connected to him.

Now, I don't necessarily feel these positive things because my house and logistics of having another kid are ready - they're not.  Most of it's a total mess, I'm not sure exactly where he's going to sleep or how his clothes are going to fit in half of Karis' dresser, or why we thought it was a good idea to look into moving into a bigger house in a couple of months with a newborn and a 3 1/2 year old - but for whatever reason, none of that is bothering me that much lately.  Why?  Because I've learned that I have to trust in God's timing.  There is simply no other option.  God's timing is perfect.  But sometimes, it's also perfectly awful.  It's no secret that I went through deep deep struggles after my pregnancy and delivery with Karis.  I was floored when I found out I was pregnant again.  I was scared...no, that's not strong enough... I was abhorrently terrified.  I just knew I couldn't do it again.  But what choice did I have?  I prayed "Why, God, why?".  And you know what he said?  "Because you asked for it."

You see, I've really been learning a lot about prayer lately.  Kevin mentioned in a sermon, months ago, that sometimes Christians find it easy to pray because we don't really think God is going to answer us. Think about that for a minute.  So many things we pray are pretty human-understanding based.  We ask God to heal someone and then they die and we think "Well, what good is prayer anyway... it was just God's will that they died..."  And maybe it was. Or maybe it was the result of an awful accident and it wasn't part of God's perfect will, but nevertheless, it still happened. (Andrea, did you really just say that?  Yes, yes I did.) Those of us who are pretty devout to our faith keep praying anyway, but a lot of times it's born out of anxiety or fear, not faith.  We're not sure how to handle things in a faithful way because so often we don't know what God actually thinks or says about certain issues, so we just pray to ease our minds and go about our business.  Are you guilty of this?  Boy, I am.  But when you start studying how Jesus taught us to pray, you suddenly begin to realize some things about prayer.  First of all, you don't have to butter God up.  Jesus said acknowledging his holiness was enough.  Because that's so easy - you know, truly humbling yourself before God and realizing that he is HOLY.  Piece of cake, right?  Yeah, right.  So, once you get past that, you can then go on to pray that his Kingdom would come and be completed and that his will would be done on earth as it is in heaven.  Wait - what??  So I'm praying that God's will be done in my life as perfectly as it would be if it happened in heaven?  So, basically, I'm just giving up all control???  So, you would think Jesus would give us a break here - but no, he goes on to teach us to pray for daily bread - not just the physical stuff but the spiritual bread that keeps our soul alive.  Like reading his word and struggling with doubts and questions and clinging to him to know the truth.  Desperately seeking and asking for him even when your whole world is falling apart.  Okay, so what am I getting out of this God?  Forgiveness.  But wait, not just any forgiveness - no - forgiveness like I give to others.  Ouch.

I can see why people don't like to pray this prayer.  I don't remember ever praying it out loud growing up.  That doesn't mean that we didn't do it, just that it wasn't common enough to remember.  Sure, we claim it can be just vain repetition, and it certainly can - but so can every other kind prayer! When you pray over your food, are you really thankful, or are you just doing it because it's the right thing to do or it's what you always do?  I think a deeper reason we don't like the Lord's Prayer is because it removes OUR specifics and replaces them with GOD'S specifics.  It's communication, it's a relationship based on trust and freedom of choice and then realizing that freedom can be scary and awful sometimes and leaning on our own understanding doesn't work.  To pray the Lord's Prayer with honestly and conviction means to take on responsibility for our choices and to pray for God's leading in every choice.  We are no longer able to "blame God" when things go wrong in our lives because we know deep down that we're trying to live inside his will and we know sin is still a powerful force in our world - God has conquered sin, but he has not removed it.  The kingdom isn't complete yet. We hear "everything happens for a reason" and sometimes that "reason" is because we or someone else made a careless decision and now we all have to live with the consequences.  Sometimes, there is no reason at all.  Sorry folks, the phrase "everything happens for a reason" is not actually in the Bible.  People will try desperately to make it say that, but they're totally missing the point. Again - ouch.

Karis was very much God's grace through my own plan for my life.  I wanted a child, so we planned that.  Pregnancy was rough, delivery was rough, I was scarred and never wanted to do it again.  In the midst of this pain, I had an unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage.  I definitely didn't ask for that and that produced more pain and scars. If you're a big believer in the idea of "God causes everything", tell me the "reason" for my miscarriage.  Tell me the reason that I couldn't bond with Jacob due to fear that I would lose him too. The only ones who will try are the ones who have either never experienced that kind of pain or believe in a different God.  Now, I'm not saying that God didn't use that situation to teach me about his grace, he did, but you will never convince me that he caused it to happen just to teach me a lesson.  I really don't think God is that petty.  I am a sinful human being and I would never, ever wish miscarriage or losing a child on anyone. Not even Hitler or bin Laden. Again, I'm not saying God can't or won't use situations or circumstances in order to draw us closer to him (Romans 8:28!!!), but to say he causes them for that or any other reason is a whole 'nother thing entirely and I think you need to check yourself before you start proclaiming you know the mind of God to hurting people. Free-will is a difficult thing, my friends.

As a result of these fears and scars, I had many conversations with God that went kind of like this:  "Okay God, I am NOT HAVING ANOTHER KID.  Just wanted to get that straight.  But...I do want to live deeply inside your will and in my heart of hearts, I really want nothing more than for you to be in control of my life.  But seriously, don't want another kid.  I just can't handle that pain again." 

I laugh when people give me yet another "biblical" cliche, that God won't give you more than you can handle.  I understand where they're coming from and where the idea came from, but in my experience, we often have no idea what we can handle, so how do we know that's a fact?  Our idea of that is very different from God's.  When I found out I was pregnant with Jacob, I said "God, NO!  I can't HANDLE this!!!"  And God said, "My grace is sufficient."  When I had horrible back pain (kidney stone) and was sent to the hospital by my OB office and I was convinced I was miscarrying Jacob, I said, "God, NO! I can't HANDLE this!!"  And God said, "My grace is sufficient."  When I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, I said, "God, okay seriously.  I cannot handle this.  I can't."  And God said, "My grace is sufficient."  When I started to get scared about labor and delivery, I said, "God, I feel really scared.  But your grace is sufficient.  Lord, help my unbelief."  And you know what?  He did.

I look back over this pregnancy and I see God's hand all the way through it.  God's perfect and perfectly awful timing.  God never promised to remove circumstances or consequences or prevent bad things from happening.  He never promised to do everything our way.  He never promised easy.  He promised sufficient grace. He promised to provide for our needs and give us abundant life.  He sends a friend who offers the swing, bouncer, and carrier set they bought for their granddaughter that she's now outgrown.  He sends another friend who had a big baby and sent you all the newborn clothes he never got to wear.  He sends a church member who heard that shipping the handmade cradle from Texas to Florida was something we couldn't afford, so they did it for us.  He sends us grace.  Amazing, unfathomable, undeniable, unrelenting, marvelous, match-less grace. Not always answers - grace.  Divine grace.  In Greek, it's χάρις, pronounced Charis.  (Sound familiar?)

Oh God, you are so gracious.  Your grace is sufficient.  Thank you.