I have a very non-Baptist, non-American confession to make:
My favorite holiday is not Christmas, it's Easter.
My favorite journey in the Christian year is Lent, not Advent.
To those of you who are not familiar with these terms, Advent is the season of waiting that leads to Christmas. Lent is the season of reflection that leads to Easter. Now, it's understandable that any pastor's wife who is also a mom may not particularly enjoy every part of Advent and the Christmas season, it's so busy, you don't get to see your husband a lot, you rarely get to see your family, it's stressful - but why on earth, you may be asking yourself, would I prefer Lent? Lent is hard, too. It's sad. You give up something you really enjoy. You sit through a Black Friday service and leave in total darkness after the Christ candle has been extinguished. And you wait, as the disciples did, until Easter. How is this more fun than snowmen and Santa and presents and baby Jesus?
Well, I don't enjoy it because it's fun, I enjoy it because I feel that it more deeply connects me with God. Concentrating only on the negative gets us no where - we must ask ourselves, where does the pain lead? We choose to give something up so that every time we crave it, we're reminded of God's sacrifice and it leads us closer to God. On Sundays, or feast days, we get to enjoy our "forbidden fruit" and it makes it taste just a little bit sweeter. We choose to sit through Black Friday so that we can experience the pain and the grief the disciples must have felt. We sit through it because it reminds us of the incredible sacrifice that Jesus made on our behalf. It reminds us that real prayer produces drops of blood mixed with sweat. We sit through it and then we wait until Easter. The experience of that grief makes the hope we find on Easter morning just a little bit brighter.
I've come to realize that I have a unique opportunity this year. My due date is Easter Sunday. Being in the third trimester of a hard pregnancy introduces a new understanding of pain, fatigue, and sheer will power. I have given up much for the sake of the child I'm carrying. In fact, I had a hard time coming up with anything to give up for Lent since most of the things I enjoy I was forced to give up months ago. At first, I wanted to do nothing but complain and cry and wallow in my self pity. It just feels so good, sometimes, doesn't it? But I soon came to realize that if I couldn't just stop there. If I did, how would I truly encounter God? I've said a lot that God accepts us as we are, but he doesn't just leave us there. But he doesn't force himself on us either.
Throughout this pregnancy, I decided I would "take charge". There were too many unknowns, too many "I should have's" in my pregnancy and delivery with Karis and I was determined not to let that happen this time. The further along I've gotten, the more that control has been ripped out of my hands. "Why, God, why??? Why is this happening???" I asked. You know the answer I got? "Because you asked for it."
Hold up, God, say what? And then I realized, I did ask for it. You see, the main thing I pray for, above all else, is that God would transform my heart to look more like Jesus. That I would seek holiness and humility over everything else. It's a good thing to pray, right? More than that (gulp) I prayed that God would be glorified through this whole experience. The problem with honestly praying things like this is that God actually answers those prayers.
Could it be that, besides a beautiful child at the end, God intended this pregnancy for more than procreation, that maybe he intended it to teach me more about him? Could it be for a purpose that the hardest part of this pregnancy directly coincides with Lent? Could it be for a reason that the joy of Easter - which is new life in Christ - will also mean the joy of a physical new life for our family?
I don't know the actual answers for these questions but I will tell you that I do not believe in coincidences. I do, however, feel that I am in the midst of God through this journey. I can feel him strengthening me, carrying me, helping me to keep walking, even when all I want to do is give up. I'm in the middle of God writing my story. I've had to give up my picture of the perfect pregnancy and birth. Man, that was hard. A friend of mine and I were discussing this just yesterday - often our own mental pictures of what life or a person is "supposed" to look like are not only completely inaccurate, but commonly get in the way of our ability to listen to and follow God. I got to thinking about that. It makes sense, we have no pictures of Jesus. We have no idea what he or any of the disciples or prophets looked like. If pictures were all that important, don't you think God would've left us one? So what do we have? We have stories. That's what the Bible is. I've always hated the old phrase that Bible means "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth". Not that the Bible doesn't teach us the right way to live, it certainly does, but it is far more than a book of rules. If it were just a book of rules, it would be about as popular as Robert's Rules of Order. The word Bible comes from the Greek τὰ βιβλία or tà biblía, literally meaning "the books". What do we associate with books? Rules? Rarely. Stories? Most definitely.
I've come to realize, in my own life, that I had this "picture" of what a Christian looked like. Clean cut, carrying a Bible, handing out tracts or pamphlets, always smiling. It has crippled me through the years. Anyone I encountered that didn't fit my "picture" was automatically regarded with suspicion, which resulted in judgement upon their hearts. What did Jesus have to say about that? "In the way you judge others, so you will be judged." Ouch. Do I really want someone that encounters me to automatically assume that I don't have a relationship with God based on my appearance? What if I'm having a bad day and I'm not acting very nice - do I want them to assume I'm not a Christian because of that? No, I don't, so maybe I should stop doing that to others. Thank God for forgiveness and a million chances to get it right. Even the apostle Paul said that he constantly did the things he didn't want to do and found himself not doing the things he did want to do, so even basing those assumptions off of someone's behavior isn't any better. We truly never know the heart of another person.
So here's my question to you: What picture is God trying to get rid of in your life? What journey is he ready to lead you on? Are you ready to ask those questions of God and of yourself? When we start praying in honesty and earnestness, God is ready and willing to answer. What will your answer be?
God bless.
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