Enigma. Paradox. Me.

Ambigram from AdWeek Suicide Prevention Ads

I am enigmatic. I am a paradox. I take pride in not being easily understood or explained, yet I want desperately to be understood and to explain myself.  I am open, but I am defensive. In my quest to prevent others from feeling pain and make everyone happy, I cause pain and grief. I am self-less to a fault, but still make everything about me. I suffer from depression, but chase happiness like it's actually attainable. I see things in black and white dichotomies, but want others to see the gray spectrum in me. I judge others but I don't want them to judge me. I want to share everything I love with the people I love but I still hold back the things I love most for fear of hurt and rejection. I expect perfection and yet yearn to be allowed to fail.

Love others as you love yourself. Love your life and you will lose it. How can I love myself and hate my own life?

I get it wrong, all the time.

I need forgiveness. I need acceptance. I need unconditional love. I need patience. I need all the things that I sometimes find it hard to give.

I want to have my cake and eat it, too.

I need kindness. I need mercy. I need abundant grace. I need all the things that I sometimes find hard to accept.

I want too much and love too much and cry too much and laugh too loud and feel too deep and open my mind too wide.

I am broken, I am beautiful.

I am enigmatic. I am a paradox.

Aren't we all?